The Fit Wife – A Lovable Lifestyle

November 5, 2014

What I’m Looking Forward To

After my previous EMO post, I thought I’d share some things I’m looking forward to post pregnancy (because it WILL end ha):

Bending over. I am a yogi, I’m flexible, I touch my toes, stretch and do all that good spine stuff that is just so difficult to do with a huge basketball in your belly.
Comfortably picking up Evan. Right now I pick him up and settle his legs on each side of my massive bump. Yes even a day shy of 41 weeks – I still pick him up approximately 50x a day, he will always be my baby.
Laying on my tummy – whether it is to look for something under a bed or just to do one of those face plants into my bed – sleeping on my belly (will be rare still with breastfeeding but even for just 5 minutes lol). I’m also looking forward to my baby cobra pose and other back strengthening poses – my upper, lower, middle – whole back is ready to not have the front so much to deal with – the boobs will be hard enough.
Milk drunk baby – I love the look of a freshly fed baby. They are literally in a coma-like state that is so awesome.
Cuddles with three boys. I’m sure nighttime will be filled with a bed full of boys. Evan to my right, baby on my chest and Hector wayyyyy off on the other side of the bed. I have been daydreaming about these moments. Babies are only itty bitty for a short time.
Pulling out the Moby.
Breathing – with ease.
Hardcore ab workouts – laying or standing wherever/however I want.
Not feeling sick when I eat, when I don’t eat, when I eat too little, when I eat too much.
No more contractions. I’ve now been having contractions for approximately two weeks – I’m over them.
Being a mom to two boys and spending the holidays with them. Sure we missed Halloween but that’s OK this Halloween was sorta grim. I’m looking forward to Santa photo ops & impromptu photo shoots with my broken camera (yes, still haven’t bought a new one… It WILL happen though. It will.)

Today was a day filled with work, some admin house stuff, and time to myself. Evan went to the museum with his Auntie Colie, and he just is such a big boy. I’ve had a hard time processing that. Yesterday Hector called and literally had a conversation with him. He is just such a little boy, no longer my little baby. He cuddled in my arms today and I just melted. I’ll have to update this post with pictures (I downloaded Yosemite today and am updating iPhoto now) because my heart is just so filled because of him. He is so sweet and loving. He is funny and smart. He is demanding and kind. He is everything. One thing I’m trying not to mourn is our time together just him and I because I think becoming a brother will complete our family. He will gain a built in friend and learn valuable life lessons – they will, together. I feel so blessed that Evan is my first, he has been an amazing experience so far. He makes me feel so confident about having another. He is just amazing.

I’m also looking forward to the next 12 weeks bonding with my family. Building our relationships and cuddling and spending hours and hours together. I just want to hug and love everyone right now. The end of this pregnancy is near, and there will be a shift in our family adventure. We are all as prepared as can be for it. I cannot wait to share the love with everyone. I haven’t felt this calm in a while. I had a mini meltdown today when leaving my moms house – I was overwhelmed for some reason – so much going through my head. Evan is now sleeping peacefully next to me, I am going to cuddle him close to me all night praying I can sleep as tomorrow is the day, I will walk into a hospital and we will walk out a family of 4.

I just keep telling myself we are ready, because we are. I hear my heart will double – it will make room. At this moment, not sure how that is possible but I will report back. Thank you for following our journey – especially the rambling and emotional posts – the posts where I share a little too much. 😉

November 2, 2014

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Feelings & Truth

Happy 2nd day of November. I went downstairs to brew my cup’o Joe only to realize we are out of coffee. If I didn’t look outside and see frost on the ground I’d likely have thrown on a coat and run to Starbucks because I’ve been morning-dreaming of my cup of coffee since about 5 a.m. when I started rolling around in bed, hoping for a little more sleep. I don’t even particularly like Starbucks Coffee, usually tastes burnt to me – but a latte sounds nice. So I threw some peanut butter onto a slice of bread (one of two BUTT slices left) and ate it. Definitely not what I needed, but better than nothing. I’m feeling blue because lately every time I eat something (even when I’m starving like just now) – I feel sick.

At this point, all I want to do is cry. I’m so emotionally drained. I’ve said it before, this has been a tough year. Just when I think things are looking up something else just sidelines me. I feel a massive amount of guilt about this because I do know in many ways I’m very lucky. Lucky to have my health, lucky to have my fabulous friends and family, a healthy work enviornment etc. But let me tell you, I’ve been down. Probably never so down in my life. This year has been tough, and each way I spin it, I want to see the silver lining but each time I catch a glimpse and pray to God, it is like something else very important gets stripped away.

I’m not going to spill all the gory details but our lives have absolutely been flipped upside-down this year. I should write a book about it because sometimes I don’t know how I survived it.

I was discussing with a dear friend of mine who confided in me that she developed postpartum depression after she had her child. Her story was heartbreaking because she so desperately wanted her baby, and prayed for that baby. She had a great pregnancy followed by a traumatic birth experience that I can’t even imagine. She has shown such power and grace through this, she is a amazing mother, who loves the little baby. She makes it look easy but I know that she is struggling each day, even if it is getting better. Why? Because I’ve never been more depressed in my life than with this pregnancy. Yet, I’ve hidden it better than I did with my pregnancy with Evan. I know it has to be chemical and I know I should have talked to doctors about it, but I didn’t/don’t want medicine to fix it. Or even to talk to anyone. I just wanted to get through the 9 months knowing that I’d have a baby in my arms. If this is anything like Evan postpartum, I know I’ll be ok. Whatever happened to me after Evan, I was blissful. I loved being a mom. I had never felt so confident in my life. But pregnancy, I’m not a good pregnant person and this experience has totally solidified that.

To make matters worse, things around my family have not been ideal lately. Just when I thought something amazing was going to happen, that I’d have my husband so happy with me as we held our new baby and are able to have a few days together before he returns to work, my body has failed. Again. It failed with Evan, and it has failed again. I’m STILL pregnant. I’m still unbelievably uncomfortable, I have stretch marks and I’m absolutely feeling terrible about myself and everything around me. The funny thing? I’m hyper aware this is very selfish, and that I should be happy that I have a healthy family. I understand that. But here I am AGAIN, over due when everyone said he would come early EVEN MY DOCTORS. My last appointment I was told I would have a baby in my arms before Halloween, he said just don’t “jinx” yourself and make another appointment since you are here. So I did and now a day away from that appointment and no baby in sight. My contractions have slowed, my excitement has fizzled and I’m mourning the fact that my best friend will likely not be around when I need him most. I try to see the bright side, that I’m lucky to have a husband that I’m so fond of and who supports me the way I need him to, but he has to provide for our family – and well, timing in our lives has either always been beyond perfect (but stressful) or TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE. This year, terrible is the word.

November 1, 2014

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Halloween & October Recap

Nov. 1! Yesterday was filled with tricks and treats, a last minute Ninja and a trip to our favorite acupuncturist. I’m going to go to Target today and see if I can find those awesome black and orange totes so I can easily find my decorations next year – yesterday was so cold we didn’t even use our fog machine we bought on sale last year *sad face*. Yesterday was COLD (yeah I know it is a repeat but IT felt like winter)!! Snowy and cold. But my little Ninja was so happy to hand out candy and eat it – he was perfectly fine with staying nice and warm inside:

His last minute Ninja costume was perfect. We left the bowl of candy on the stairs for easy access to hand out to the trick or treaters

Evan kept an extremely close eye on them and snuck a few chocolates. Before we knew it we had a crazy little 2 year old on our hands – sugar and Evan is a crazy combination! He was running around so excited watching for trick or treaters, it was fun to sit and just watch. He was so good at being the candy helper!

We also were watching SNOW! I mean enough snow to stick to the ground. We ran to mom’s house because across the street her neighbors go ALL out. This year they had a hearse that shot flames out of the tail pipes!

So it was nice to watch that from the warm inside of my mom’s house. So many cars drove down her street. It is quiet popular. The only thing that was a major let down of this Halloween was the terrible weather. Typically, we get out and walk a lot in the surrounding neighborhoods to get cool views of all the decorated houses. River Forest has a house we see every year with a pirate ship and stuff of that nature but 😦 – we didn’t this year between my over pregnantness and the weather it was simply not fun at all to be outside. We left our Ninja with grandma Debbie while we ran to see our acupuncturist.

The last time I saw Frank, was when Evan was overdue. Evan was different though. My body had zero progress simply because Evan laid slightly to the side and his head never engaged my cervix. This baby is perfectly in place, but my contractions are not productive – he is at -1 station or lower at this point and I have dilated and effaced on my own but as described in previous posts my contractions are all over the place. Some not painful, some painful, none consistent enough to push me into actual labor. So we made our trip. Frank has been a friend for MANY MANY MANY years. My parents have been fans of his forever. He is brilliant. He has studied Chinese medicine for a very long time. He works with Stroger hospital and pain management for veterans on top of his own private practice and goes to China often to teach, give lectures and learn- he is really amazing. He is also so down to earth. I asked him yesterday how he looks so good and thought he was going to say “I do yoga and eat right” – but he said “I don’t eat so great” hahaha – so all his herbal remedies and life management techniques must work 😉 – I need to take up meditation again.

Anywho, due to MAV’s unique scenario he actually used a different point then with Evan. With Evan I had little maca sticks burning from my toes to get him to move to where he needed to be to get my body going. With MAV he used a point 3 fingers above my ankle. We chatted and were given homework to complete a very similar process at home this weekend. Just seeing Frank makes me feel better. I hope someday to exude that type of wisdom and calm. Here’s a throwback to when Hector prepped me at home with Evan:

October has been quiet the month. Filled with ups, downs, and waiting. I’m ready for baby but really trying to keep calm because nothing progresses when you are stressed and frustrated. So I’m off to take a nice hot shower, run to the store by myself (as I know Hector and Evan won’t be ready in time as they are STILL laying in bed) and finish up some laundry. I cannot remember the last time we were this caught up on laundry. haha

October 31, 2014

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Spooky Time 2014

Happy Halloween! I plan on being back with our freezing day festivities (it SNOWED this morning in Chicago) later today but morning today is starting off low-key and is that deceptive cold because it is beautifully sunny outside. I’m perched atop the famous green ball, just because it makes a good chair. I’ve given up on doing all things to get baby out. Seriously. He is clearly on his own schedule and the stress is just making me nuts, I only had a mini-meltdown last night thinking Hector may not be around when I need him and my level of uncomfortableness wasn’t as bad as the day before (not sure if that is positive or negative…). My friends are incredible, I received several check in messages from my momma’s and they all were just perfect. Last night we tried accupressure points (Hector has been awesome, it really actually made me feel very relaxed, but alas, still preg), walking and resting yesterday – nada. I have an acupuncture appointment tonight, so I’m doing all I can do and that… Is that.

We are going to run out this afternoon to get Evan a costume. I cannot believe he doesn’t have one!! On a scale from 1-10 I feel terrible to a 9 on this, but I did look around! I’m sooooo bummed I didn’t get him that darn Dragon costume! He does have pjs but of course last night he wanted to wear his american flag t-shirt so he isn’t even wearing those right now. Oso has some PJs too so I can’t wait to squeeze him into those and take some skeleton pictures with my piles of bones dudes.

Look at my baby pumpkin 2012!!! How cute! ❤

Festive, huh? 🙂

And we bought a new candle for my haunted house. So throwbacks it is today. I think I might even stop at TJs for a couple of pumpkins to carve and toast pumpkin seeds. May as well keep busy? What are your Halloween traditions? My family has always decorated, dressed up and done pumpkins! We are a festive bunch that loves this time of year! I’m thinking maybe even baking something since it is so cold, pumpkin bread or something – who knows. Cookies? Maybe I’ll call call the cookie queen, Colie Molie.

We might even stream Hocus Pocus in the background all day – Evan actually LOVES that movie! Ha.

What do I do with a toddler on a cold day like today? Anyone know good places he can score some candy? Not that he needs any – he might just get a trip to Grandma’s house or a surprise stop at Auntie Joanna’s and the MARS factory. Who knows! Till a bit later my friends!

October 30, 2014

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Frustration Sets In

Yesterday we walked, bounced and made… Who knows how much progress because I’ll tell you I’m typing from the comforts of this ball again with a very similar bump but not a similar smile:

Ok, I know Evan was born a week late, and I was prepping myself for another late baby BUT OMG! Yes, this is me venting. I’m very very frustrated. Why? Because last night I went for a walk with my husband and started getting crazy contractions. I was getting them every couple minutes, I thought – well they could slow down when I stop and they SORT OF did. We had to stop at Target for some milk and hung out at my parents house for about a half hour before then. I was still getting pretty consistent contractions at 4-6 minutes apart but I decided to just keep it to myself as the intensity had died down and I’m really sick of the back and forth “is she, isn’t she in labor.”

So as we left my mom’s house and on our way to Target I was still getting them pretty consistently, but wanted to make sure I had them for a full hour before I called anyone. Well, I suck at timing contractions but I will tell you this – at Target I was getting a few that stopped me dead in my tracks. At one point Hector said, “Jen smell this candle!” and I was in my head like “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!” Outside I said “great babe, whatever you want.” We finished up at the store and I actually pretty much waddled (yes, waddled!!!) back to the car. At this point I swear I could feel the baby’s head REALLY low like pressure in places I’ve never felt before. For a moment I thought “The poor women that experience that pressure for months!” – but then I became selfish again as my back started to hurt I was getting dull aches in my lower back, shooting pains down my hamstrings and when I walked I could also feel pains down the FRONT of my legs. I just wanted to get home so bad.

We get home and I sit on the stairs right when you walk in the door, looking at our to go bag and the carseat that Evan wanted SO badly to get into.

No matter how much I tell him he doesn’t fit he just wants to “buckle up” and sit in it. He is so huge, I felt such a crazy mix of emotion – sadness, frustration, exhaustion – mental exhaustion. My “baby” is clearly not a baby, he was so sad and I just wanted to cry with him. But our reasons for crying were so different, he needed sleep – I had kept him up way past his bedtime trying to get his baby out – I had clearly done too much as my whole body was just achy, I started to feel sick. I put him down for bed and he fell asleep quickly. I had hydrated a lot all day so I was constantly up and down last night and in SO MUCH PAIN getting up and down. The second I’d get up to go to the bathroom I’d have like wrap around pain from my back, to my front. I felt like the baby was going to FALL OUT of my body. It was not pleasant at all. But the moment I laid down and relaxed I’d be semi comfortable and everything would stop.

So my conclusion? Evan’s experience thus far was better. This has been stressful and scary and uncomfortable for several weeks now and I’ve had it. I’m still pregnant. I’m sick to my stomach and I’m really frustrated. My husband goes back to work Nov. 3rd no baby or with baby and I just want to scream. Please baby, come. We are ready for you – my body hurts, I’m ready for the overwhelming exhaustion and other pains but the mental part of this right now is like a horrible mind game that is unfair. I don’t care if I get the “ugh, get over it” comments, baby will come – because the problem is if he was comfortably in there like Evan – I’d be like FINE! But he isn’t and I just need to be done. I’m so done.

WIth that… How cute is this bed-head?

He is watching way too much TV but oh well – he’ll survive. I guess we will try to bundle up and go for another walk. Oso will approve of that – I’m also a horrible mother – Evan still doesn’t have a costume. I looked everywhere for something for him and am kicking myself that I didn’t just buy a dragon costume that was on sale at Pottery Barn. He wants to be Spiderman but he is too small and the only ones I find are for kids and he really is still in toddler sizes between 2 and 3T. I’m going to dress him up as a “big brother” doesn’t that sound fair? lol One more picture of him yesterday during his nap (yes he was still in pjs for his 12 p.m. nap, do not judge, he didn’t want to take them off and in fact insisted I put pants that were too small OVER them:

I think it is hysterical. This kiddo keeps me going ❤

October 29, 2014

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Still Trucking On…

Today started early, really early. I couldn’t sleep. Not sure why. Or is it obvious? You can tell me. Last night we went for a late walk (after sanding the deck, staining the deck, and raking leaves… oh and cleaning) and I had some SERIOUS contractions on my way back home. Like the types that stop you from walking, make you almost double over in pain. I tried to play them off because I was with my husband, dog and pushing my son in the BOB (thank GOD for the BOB..) and I’m tired of being the wife that is “oh, ouch” and Hector being the husband like “everything ok?” then nothing happens – and I feel like a fool. Any who – I’m the type of walker that hates how slow my husband walks. I go, and I go quickly. He never walks fast enough, yet last night he ended up pretty far ahead of me with Oso as my contractions slowed me down…big time. I didn’t want to jinx it but I really thought I might be going into labor.

We get home, Hector notices my discomfort and asks me if he thinks this is it. I told him “this will likely stop.” Naturally, I relaxed sat down and – nothing. *sigh*

I know this is the story of many pregnant women, but still – not fun. So I laid in bed with lots of tightening but no pain and couldn’t help but think how our lives were going to change… AGAIN. It sorta freaked me out, so then I prayed. I just prayed for sleep, rest. I know I won’t be getting much soon but all I could focus on last night was Hector’s snoring and my discomfort. So as this blog started… My Tuesday – started early.

Luckily, I had a doctor’s appointment today. I try not to get too worked up for appointments because I remember my disappointment when I would get “checked” with Evan. I remember hearing “still closed” and “prepare yourself for induction.” Even though my due date is tomorrow, so I’ve made it all the way, I don’t see this baby going too far past his due date and thankfully my doctor agrees. We walked (yes walked, I’m still not quite at waddle) into the appointment light hearted and not expecting too much. But!!! I’m 3cm dilated! It is almost surreal, this pregnancy is just so much different than Evan’s. He really thinks I’ll have a baby in my arms by Halloween 🙂 – I knew stuff was happening last week but again each day, heck.. each hour is different with this one. I’m not sure what I like better – the nothing, or the something. I guess you just want baby at this point.

Another thing that happened today? The flu shot. Oh man my arm hurts. It feels like I did a really bad tricep workout, like bad form that messed up a muscle that shouldn’t be hurt. I also feel super sleepy and gross. IDK. I planned on another crazy active day but it was actually a very quiet day. Most of the day was sitting around, just catching up with with a dear friend and her sweet baby girl and my uber cuddly Evan (I. Love. It.) – he is such a little sweetie. There was coffee and girl time and chatting about motherhood, the good the bad and the ugly. I’m so blessed by the people I’m surrounded by. All my bests checked in on me today – I love them. I’m just so lucky. I’ve also been just cuddling and loving my no-so-little dude (who fell asleep while cuddled up next to me today):

Random picture of my cutie pie at costco. Seriously, my heart.

So yes, random post – but I wanted to get it out there. How I feel, my random, tired thoughts.. my really restful day with pizza and water lots and lots of water (am I craving water? Ice water? hm…). Oh and a trip to the GAP to get something for the newbs that naturally ended up being several new pairs of awesome pjs for Evan and an awesome trick or treat shirt that I think he will wear every day between now and Halloween – all sales, all additional 50% off. *insert hear eyes emogji* I’m feeling so blessed lately – like things are coming together. This pregnancy has been EXTREMELY challenging, but life is what you make of it and even if the journey has rocky moments, at some point all the obstacles start to make sense and just prepare you to be a better person. A better mother, wife, listener, friend. Thanks be to God who has and always will be in my corner. He really has blessed us lately.

October 27, 2014

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Nesting Away… What We Did Today

Well I’m still pregnant. 39 weeks 5 days pregnant. Contractions on and off, some painful some not so much. I’m feeling pretty good today so we started the day off with coffee in bed and shopping for deck supplies because we need to weather proof our deck. We thought it would be a no big deal, slap some clear coat on and call it a day… Well after a lecture from a deck dude at Lowes, it ended up becoming quiet the project:

Having Evan around is very fun, he wants to help with everything and is quiet fond of the rollers… I decided to keep him busy by running around with him while daddy did some sanding and I took a few fun pictures of pretty things in my yard:

I had to use this blurry picture because it is perfect – this is my Evan <3.

Eventually he crashed:

My peaceful sweetie. I then joined Hector once again for our massive project:

Dusty-Husband down:

We are actually still at it hahaha – But with a lack of tools (next time electric sander?) I was pretty uselss part of the time so I raked:

I enjoyed it because the leaves are dry and easily picked up and REALLY PRETTY!

Then back to some rolling for me:

So our day has been busy! But beautifully busy because TODAY WAS GORGEOUS OUT!! It was nice hanging outside getting some fresh air. The night is winding down, and Hector is literally rolling on the last square foot. This has definitely been an all day project…

I’m so tired, but going to cook dinner, do a load of laundry and take Oso and fam for a nice walk.

Hope you had a fantastic start to your week.

Jen

October 25, 2014

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All Ready!

Well, I’ve been in crazy nesting mode. I’m sorta driving Hector nuts, ah well. Something is finally [almost] complete!! The NURSERY! Evan spent a lot of time in our room, but I feel like setting up his nursery was super important. A way to feel “ready” for baby, I’m lucky I was able to put together another nursery for our new addition. I’m still holding out hope I’ll find a great new glider, but my budget has been tightened so it may not happen. Never the less, here it goes! We saved a lot of money by reusing Evan’s gently used crib that just has some teeth marks where the blankets are draped. The frames above baby #MAV’s crib were a STEAL at target for 13.48 each (originally 45ish bucks!!). Not sure if we will keep his initials in them just yet, it was a quick easy CHEAP! idea 😉

Something else, we re-used?

Evan’s mobile. He now has some paper airplanes hanging in his room and we plan on getting him some old school “hair planes” to hang where this once was – Evan is into all things moving (trucks, TRAINS, air planes, and helicopters) – so we are just going to get some vintage looking things to help complete his “bigger” boy room. I love the simplicity and uniqueness of this mobile so I’m glad it is making another very important appearance.

Next up, nursing station:

a nice lamp (lying around the house), nursing table (nipple cream, breast pads and likely a granola bar or two in the not too far future are hidden in the drawers of the table) and a earthy candle I can already see lil guy cuddled in my arms, Evan at my feet and my kindle neglected beside me 😉

Some other small details:

This hanging basket from target. Filled with a couple books, wubbanubs, burpy bibs and my beloved Nosfrida. The one thing we did splurge on early on was a new dresser for the bebe, good thing we got it to before our household “halt” if you will:

It’s a super great piece that will last forever that has a lovely gouge in it from getting it home – made us realize we def need an SUV. Int eh basket are some newborn diapers and wipes and the only thing missing is the changing pad and a diaper warmer (Evan is currently using as a piggie bank, lol). On his shelf is a cute tin I grabbed from Michaels filled with extra pacficers and baby mittens 🙂 the drawers are full of clothes. We are all ready for you!

Now if my little love would just get here quickly! I’m getting anxious!

How cute is big bro to be E?

Alright – lots to do. Hope you enjoyed my mostly picture update.

October 19, 2014

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Halloween-y Stuff

Today has been busy, and in the best way possible. We’ve been blissfully busy this week which was filled with some vacation time, nesting time and more nesting time. Hector has had some wonderful feedback on some life changing things so thank you GOD. Some of our life will be back to normal sooner rather than later. I can finally breathe (well sorta, I’m a bit crowded in the lungs area). It is amazing what faith does to you, how family and friends comfort and encourage and send positive vibes your way. They make such a difference.

We love Halloween in this house. I love to decorate, I love to carve pumpkins, toast pumpkin seeds and spend time with friends and family in fun costumes. Although this year will be low key, or CRAZY because of a new baby. I’ve done a bit o’decorating and some thrifty Michaels shopping for our annual pumpkin carving/painting weekend… 60% off fallish sprigs gave me this fantastic inspiration:

Before:

After:

It now looks lovely on our front door:

All for a whopping SIX dollars! Those pretty colorful leaves are leftovers from a beautiful bouquet my best friend sent me, I’m so happy they get to happy greet people at my front door for the season. Like I said, I’ve been nesting like crazy, I want just everything to be perfect everywhere and today – it was! We had our nephew and fam over for some pumpkin decorating:

I’d say they were happily entertained for a whole 10 minutes, then chased each other around the house for several hours. Evan crashed in his high chair about 30 minutes after Jay and fam left and I’m pretty sure he is out for the night ❤ – He had such a great time, it is awesome watching them together, Evan is 2, Jay is 6 and they play really well together makes me super happy that my little dudes will soon be able to entertain eachother and never be lonely ❤

Here’s our damage for the day:

and:

I’m off to clean out another closet, I’m purging and detoxifying – I’m also getting braxton hicks like crazy (and heartburn!!! omg. never ever ever have I had anything like this before)! Maybe baby will be here before 10/29 ❤

October 12, 2014

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Trials &Faith

It has been a long while since I have sat down and typed anything. Life has been… trying. They say when it rains, it pours, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that to be more true – until lately – this year really, to be specific. It has been a tough year for my family. Filled with some serious trials, the ones where you can’t breathe, freak out – cry, are numb… etc. My grandmother passed away in July and I still cannot bring myself to talk about it, she was one of the most influential people in my life and I still feel a major void whenever she crosses my mind, which is quiet often. When I thought things couldn’t be more difficult to handle, of course, circumstances come around and remind me – oh they definitely can get worse. Even still, with everything going on – I’m lucky, because at least my family is healthy & my Evan couldn’t be more happy. Not sure how I’d make it without this little kid, he will never know the strength he gives me:

As you well know, I’m also very pregnant. This pregnancy has been difficult for me. I’ve never been good with body changes and this one, has really really given me a run for my mental money. Although I love my little who seems to be very happy and healthy bouncing around in there – this pregnancy has really wiped me out. I definitely feel more blue than with Evan and a lot of it has to do with the never ending exhaustion which I’m sure is a combination of the things going on in my life, long days, a two year old, a major injury around 17 weeks that really put me on the sidelines and just stretching not as good as the first time. My thighs are wider, my hips are wider and I have stretch marks – I still don’t think I’ll ever be ok with. I’m being honest here – these things really bother me and so I just want to write that pregnancy isn’t always rainbows and sunshine -but newborns, children, their innocence – I know when he is here in my arms, I will feel it was all worth it. People can tell me I look great, that I don’t look almost 9.5 months pregnant but I FEEL all of it, every bit of 9.5 months, I feel. My ribs hurt like no other, I get quiet a few contractions a day, my energy levels are non-existent and I’m getting anxious about meeting my little man.

With all the negative out of the way – I’m going to discuss some of the things that are making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My family has been so crazy amazing, it isn’t even funny. My mom, so supportive – I can’t imagine getting through these things without her. My friends, who are all going through their own major life changes – so thoughtful and supportive. Not sure they will ever know how much their text messages, little check ins, FLOWERS, and positive vibes and prayers really uplift me – my life is rich because of the people that surround me… My relationships are what keep me going. My faith in God. God has never let us down, everyone goes through trials in life, if you have faith – you shouldn’t fear and that’s a prayer I send up each day – God I do not fear, you will provide. FALL – the cool weather is refreshing, layers make me happy and my newest PUMPKIN will be arriving soon!!

With everything that is going on, I’ve had to let a few things that are VERY IMPORTANT to me, go. One specifically that hit me hard, though not too many people understood “it’s just xxx” – not a big deal… Well, to me it was, to me it meant a lot and to me it was something that I cried a lot over, because it was important to me. Somehow, it is happening anyway, a semi-stranger, doing something for our family that means more to me than she will ever know. I don’t even know how to share my gratitude, I just hope she knows how much it means to me. Even with some clouds, our future is bright.

Trials & faith. It is the thing lives are made of.