It has been a long while since I have sat down and typed anything. Life has been… trying. They say when it rains, it pours, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that to be more true – until lately – this year really, to be specific. It has been a tough year for my family. Filled with some serious trials, the ones where you can’t breathe, freak out – cry, are numb… etc. My grandmother passed away in July and I still cannot bring myself to talk about it, she was one of the most influential people in my life and I still feel a major void whenever she crosses my mind, which is quiet often. When I thought things couldn’t be more difficult to handle, of course, circumstances come around and remind me – oh they definitely can get worse. Even still, with everything going on – I’m lucky, because at least my family is healthy & my Evan couldn’t be more happy. Not sure how I’d make it without this little kid, he will never know the strength he gives me:
As you well know, I’m also very pregnant. This pregnancy has been difficult for me. I’ve never been good with body changes and this one, has really really given me a run for my mental money. Although I love my little who seems to be very happy and healthy bouncing around in there – this pregnancy has really wiped me out. I definitely feel more blue than with Evan and a lot of it has to do with the never ending exhaustion which I’m sure is a combination of the things going on in my life, long days, a two year old, a major injury around 17 weeks that really put me on the sidelines and just stretching not as good as the first time. My thighs are wider, my hips are wider and I have stretch marks – I still don’t think I’ll ever be ok with. I’m being honest here – these things really bother me and so I just want to write that pregnancy isn’t always rainbows and sunshine -but newborns, children, their innocence – I know when he is here in my arms, I will feel it was all worth it. People can tell me I look great, that I don’t look almost 9.5 months pregnant but I FEEL all of it, every bit of 9.5 months, I feel. My ribs hurt like no other, I get quiet a few contractions a day, my energy levels are non-existent and I’m getting anxious about meeting my little man.
With all the negative out of the way – I’m going to discuss some of the things that are making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My family has been so crazy amazing, it isn’t even funny. My mom, so supportive – I can’t imagine getting through these things without her. My friends, who are all going through their own major life changes – so thoughtful and supportive. Not sure they will ever know how much their text messages, little check ins, FLOWERS, and positive vibes and prayers really uplift me – my life is rich because of the people that surround me… My relationships are what keep me going. My faith in God. God has never let us down, everyone goes through trials in life, if you have faith – you shouldn’t fear and that’s a prayer I send up each day – God I do not fear, you will provide. FALL – the cool weather is refreshing, layers make me happy and my newest PUMPKIN will be arriving soon!!
With everything that is going on, I’ve had to let a few things that are VERY IMPORTANT to me, go. One specifically that hit me hard, though not too many people understood “it’s just xxx” – not a big deal… Well, to me it was, to me it meant a lot and to me it was something that I cried a lot over, because it was important to me. Somehow, it is happening anyway, a semi-stranger, doing something for our family that means more to me than she will ever know. I don’t even know how to share my gratitude, I just hope she knows how much it means to me. Even with some clouds, our future is bright.
Trials & faith. It is the thing lives are made of.