Frustration Sets In

Yesterday we walked, bounced and made… Who knows how much progress because I’ll tell you I’m typing from the comforts of this ball again with a very similar bump but not a similar smile:

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Ok, I know Evan was born a week late, and I was prepping myself for another late baby BUT OMG!  Yes, this is me venting.  I’m very very frustrated.  Why?  Because last night I went for a walk with my husband and started getting crazy contractions.  I was getting them every couple minutes, I thought – well they could slow down when I stop and they SORT OF did.  We had to stop at Target for some milk and hung out at my parents house for about a half hour before then.  I was still getting pretty consistent contractions at 4-6 minutes apart but I decided to just keep it to myself as the intensity had died down and I’m really sick of the back and forth “is she, isn’t she in labor.”

So as we left my mom’s house and on our way to Target I was still getting them pretty consistently, but wanted to make sure I had them for a full hour before I called anyone.  Well, I suck at timing contractions but I will tell you this – at Target I was getting a few that stopped me dead in my tracks.  At one point Hector said, “Jen smell this candle!” and I was in my head like “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!” Outside I said “great babe, whatever you want.” We finished up at the store and I actually pretty much waddled (yes, waddled!!!) back to the car.  At this point I swear I could feel the baby’s head REALLY low like pressure in places I’ve never felt before.  For a moment I thought “The poor women that experience that pressure for months!” – but then I became selfish again as my back started to hurt I was getting dull aches in my lower back, shooting pains down my hamstrings and when I walked I could also feel pains down the FRONT of my legs.  I just wanted to get home so bad.

We get home and I sit on the stairs right when you walk in the door, looking at our to go bag and the carseat that Evan wanted SO badly to get into.

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No matter how much I tell him he doesn’t fit he just wants to “buckle up” and sit in it.  He is so huge, I felt such a crazy mix of emotion – sadness, frustration, exhaustion – mental exhaustion. My “baby” is clearly not a baby, he was so sad and I just wanted to cry with him.  But our reasons for crying were so different, he needed sleep – I had kept him up way past his bedtime trying to get his baby out – I had clearly done too much as my whole body was just achy, I started to feel sick.  I put him down for bed and he fell asleep quickly.  I had hydrated a lot all day so I was constantly up and down last night and in SO MUCH PAIN getting up and down.  The second I’d get up to go to the bathroom I’d have like wrap around pain from my back, to my front.  I felt like the baby was going to FALL OUT of my body.  It was not pleasant at all.  But the moment I laid down and relaxed I’d be semi comfortable and everything would stop.

So my conclusion?  Evan’s experience thus far was better.  This has been stressful and scary and uncomfortable for several weeks now and I’ve had it.  I’m still pregnant.  I’m sick to my stomach and I’m really frustrated.  My husband goes back to work Nov. 3rd no baby or with baby and I just want to scream.  Please baby, come.  We are ready for you – my body hurts, I’m ready for the overwhelming exhaustion and other pains but the mental part of this right now is like a horrible mind game that is unfair.  I don’t care if I get the “ugh, get over it” comments, baby will come – because the problem is if he was comfortably in there like Evan – I’d be like FINE!  But he isn’t and I just need to be done.  I’m so done.

WIth that… How cute is this bed-head?

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He is watching way too much TV but oh well – he’ll survive.  I guess we will try to bundle up and go for another walk.  Oso will approve of that – I’m also a horrible mother – Evan still doesn’t have a costume.  I looked everywhere for something for him and am kicking myself that I didn’t just buy a dragon costume that was on sale at Pottery Barn.  He wants to be Spiderman but he is too small and the only ones I find are for kids and he really is still in toddler sizes between 2 and 3T.  I’m going to dress him up as a “big brother” doesn’t that sound fair? lol  One more picture of him yesterday during his nap (yes he was still in pjs for his 12 p.m. nap, do not judge, he didn’t want to take them off and in fact insisted I put pants that were too small OVER them:

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I think it is hysterical.  This kiddo keeps me going ❤

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