Feelings & Truth

Happy 2nd day of November.  I went downstairs to brew my cup’o Joe only to realize we are out of coffee.  If I didn’t look outside and see frost on the ground I’d likely have thrown on a coat and run to Starbucks because I’ve been morning-dreaming of my cup of coffee since about 5 a.m. when I started rolling around in bed, hoping for a little more sleep.  I don’t even particularly like Starbucks Coffee, usually tastes burnt to me – but a latte sounds nice. So I threw some peanut butter onto a slice of bread (one of two BUTT slices left) and ate it.  Definitely not what I needed, but better than nothing.  I’m feeling blue because lately every time I eat something (even when I’m starving like just now) – I feel sick.

At this point, all I want to do is cry.  I’m so emotionally drained.  I’ve said it before, this has been a tough year.  Just when I think things are looking up something else just sidelines me.  I feel a massive amount of guilt about this because I do know in many ways I’m very lucky.  Lucky to have my health, lucky to have my fabulous friends and family, a healthy work enviornment etc.  But let me tell you, I’ve been down.  Probably never so down in my life.  This year has been tough, and each way I spin it, I want to see the silver lining but each time I catch a glimpse and pray to God, it is like something else very important gets stripped away.

I’m not going to spill all the gory details but our lives have absolutely been flipped upside-down this year.  I should write a book about it because sometimes I don’t know how I survived it.

I was discussing with a dear friend of mine who confided in me that she developed postpartum depression after she had her child.  Her story was heartbreaking because she so desperately wanted her baby, and prayed for that baby.  She had a great pregnancy followed by a traumatic birth experience that I can’t even imagine.  She has shown such power and grace through this, she is a amazing mother, who loves the little baby.  She makes it look easy but I know that she is struggling each day, even if it is getting better.  Why?  Because I’ve never been more depressed in my life than with this pregnancy.  Yet, I’ve hidden it better than I did with my pregnancy with Evan.  I know it has to be chemical and I know I should have talked to doctors about it, but I didn’t/don’t want medicine to fix it.  Or even to talk to anyone.  I just wanted to get through the 9 months knowing that I’d have a baby in my arms.  If this is anything like Evan postpartum, I know I’ll be ok.  Whatever happened to me after Evan, I was blissful.  I loved being a mom.  I had never felt so confident in my life.  But pregnancy, I’m not a good pregnant person and this experience has totally solidified that.

To make matters worse, things around my family have not been ideal lately.  Just when I thought something amazing was going to happen, that I’d have my husband so happy with me as we held our new baby and are able to have a few days together before he returns to work, my body has failed.  Again.  It failed with Evan, and it has failed again.  I’m STILL pregnant.  I’m still unbelievably uncomfortable, I have stretch marks and I’m absolutely feeling terrible about myself and everything around me.  The funny thing?  I’m hyper aware this is very selfish, and that I should be happy that I have a healthy family.  I understand that.  But here I am AGAIN, over due when everyone said he would come early EVEN MY DOCTORS.  My last appointment I was told I would have a baby in my arms before Halloween, he said just don’t “jinx” yourself and make another appointment since you are here.  So I did and now a day away from that appointment and no baby in sight.  My contractions have slowed, my excitement has fizzled and I’m mourning the fact that my best friend will likely not be around when I need him most.  I try to see the bright side, that I’m lucky to have a husband that I’m so fond of and who supports me the way I need him to, but he has to provide for our family – and well, timing in our lives has either always been beyond perfect (but stressful) or TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE.  This year, terrible is the word.

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