sad – The Fit Wife – A Lovable Lifestyle

Two Cents.

March 13, 2016March 13, 2016 JenLeave a comment

I am just going to say this: I am horrified at the way this primary is happening. What the actual F is going on? This is to choose the presidential candidate to RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. The next POTUS, I mean I feel like I’m watching a bad new Netflix series, not the good ones I’m used to. I am honestly terrified that this is the landscape of 2016. There is so much I love about the United States but there is also so much that needs to be re-evlauated from EDUCATION to the environment to tort reform to the healthcare nonsense. This country is filled with brilliant minds, beautiful people and OUR CHILDREN.

Why can’t we all take a step the f- back and realize we do not need so much hate and negativity. Why can’t we all also come to grips that we are capable of doing great things as long as we can find some common ground. When everyone is grasping at straws to get a vote we get a whole bunch of people who don’t even know what the true platform their maybe candidate is running on. When we have violence at conventions and hateful words spewing all over Facebook – it’s a terrible state and I’m TERRIBLY sick over it. Everyone wants that big flashy “I did this” instead of the “this is what is best for our country.” I’m so sorry people but at this rate the history books will not have the best stories. Let’s get real – people are googling how to leave the United States…

What kind of country – what kind of WORLD are we setting up for our children? I really do want people to take time to look at who would be best for our country, who we would be proud to have running for office, someone to represent us around the WORLD. Open your history books people, we’ve already found out that certain things put us on a bad path, why would we want to repeat those things, expecting a different outcome? I mean, what is driving people’s thought process here? I really feel like I missed something crucial – I understand people want change but not thinking about consequences is what got us here. It’s so hard to look at my beautiful children and think that any progress we’ve made could be squandered; or any future progress can be diverted. It’s so simple, get back to the basics. Like a bad diet; if you change it slowly you realize big change. When you do the next “fad” diet you end up with rapid weightless followed by a sleuth of other issues because you didn’t have a BALANCED SUSTAINABLE DIET, you also typically end up in worse shape than when you started.

Also, for the record. My husband is an immigrant. Some of my best friends are immigrants even more are FIRST generation. America is one giant pot of immigrants, and it’s those differing ideas, those fresh genes, those new traditions and forward thinking that has made us great, given us an edge. There is a lot to be said to be the country people flee to instead of flee from.

I’m beyond proud to be an American. I’m proud my children are little mixies and I’ll be proud when everyone realizes we need to create a world that will set them up to create real change and create amazing relationships. Off to do my part in raising my little humans who will know to be grateful, to be human and to be kind and thoughtful of their impact on this world.

Honesty at Best

September 20, 2015 Jen1 Comment

Excuse –

verb

ikˈskyo͞oz/

1.

attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense); seek to defend or justify.

Yep, that’s all I can give for my break from blogging. Sad part is I enjoy blogging. Which means it needs to stop taking a back seat to everything going on in my life. Which brings me to being honest and wanting to discuss several things. I couldn’t write (no would anyone read) all of my random thoughts in one blog post so that means I have lots of content but need to make the time to put it all out there: the beautiful, the ugly, the honest. But I must say my current state of insanity has only one person to blame, me.

The beauty behind this smile is that my life on that day was pure chaos. I’d been working, received a call that my littlest love, who I am still nursing, had no milk left. So I had to rush home to feed him, and work from home. Through that chaos I’m immensely grateful for the management team that helps support me. But that day was not an easy one. I felt the true internal battle of: what is best for me? what is best for Michael? what is best for my job? Do people really understand the personal stress of the challenge of being a mom/working mom that either nurses or pumps for her little one? WHY DOESN’T MY BODY OVERPRODUCE like it did with Evan? Why am I so stressed all the time? Why do I feel so sad, like I’m failing EVERYONE, especially me. – I pride myself on overall making good decisions; but that doesn’t mean I’m always the most confident person in the room, in fact, as beautiful as confidence is and as much as admire it in the people around me, I constantly struggle with myself on just how confident I am in all things in my life.

Anyway, like most things – this day worked out. Michael was fed, my job’s immediate needs were met but one thing keeps lingering on: my feeling of so many open ends and the overwhelming anxiety that brings.

Our society today has so many issues. One – we report too much negative. Yes, bad things happen. But so do beautiful things. Yes, some things are ugly and need attention – but some things are so overwhelmingly breathtaking and they need attention too:

Like how a simple curtain can bring laughter to my sweet boy.

Today’s blog is just a rant of honesty. I’m tired. My brain is mushy and I don’t feel myself. That’s why I’m doing this – getting off my chest, out to the world and LETTING IT GO. I’ll continue to do my very best but I have to center myself and remind myself that even though I am getting things done, until I’m truly happy again it won’t be my best. So weekends are no longer going to be spent worrying about all the world I have to do during the week. I’m going to log off from time sucking social media, and enjoying my sweet boys who are growing so fast. I’m going to throw on Ugg boots, save for my 50/50s and make time to be the creative person I am.

Hopefully I’ll be back with some updates on lately – like GETTING BACK TO RUNNING and my EARLY morning yoga/meditation sessions that I’m making a point to do. I just want to tell everyone it is normal to feel sad, angry, anxious – but it is what you do to battle it. Do you talk about it? Do you find what makes you happy to get out of it? Do you give yourself a break and write down all the things that you DO DO correctly? It is one thing to hold yourself to high standards, it is another thing to be miserable in the handling of it. Life should be challenging, but rewarding. I always thing of it as 80/20 but I’m making a SOLID effort to making it 94/6😉

You really must love the life you live, ya’ll. If you don’t, time to change it up.

Oh. Snuggle a baby, love a dog.😀

Monday Thoughts 1.12

January 12, 2015 JenLeave a comment

Emotional.

That’s the word of the day. I’m totally conflicted. Anxiety creeping in. I expected this. I knew that my 12 weeks of maternity leave would fly. I knew that it would be beyond bittersweet to return to work. Sweet, because I do it so I can provide for my family and build my life beyond motherhood – it is what I need to do, for me. Bitter, for obvious reasons. I LOVE being with my boys. I truly do. I love nursing my sweet baby boy, even though clogged ducts that make me fall ill (that’s what happened this weekend *sad face*). I love living each moment with Evan, he is SO full of life. He is smart, funny and just down right amazing.

Emotional.

Michael is thriving. He is 13lbs 9oz (70% tile) and 24.5 inches long (90+% tile), he is so strong and beautiful. I stare at him cry, on the rare occasion he does, just to be in awe of him. He does this lip quiver thing that I never want him to stop doing and I want to badly to capture in on video but have been unsuccessful. He is a cuddler like his brother, he likes to be wrapped tight and close. He doesn’t spend much time in his rock n play or his swing – he is in my arms or in the Moby. I just can’t get enough of him.

So many people told me there was no way I’d get so lucky with a sweet easy baby again. That my second would be a terror. Well they were all wrong, he is just as mellow and sweet as Evan was. He is an excellent nurser and pretty good sleeper. If I didn’t hate pregnancy so much I’d think about another. Really, he is that sweet. I love being a mother, and am sad I am not one who cannot enjoy pregnancy. I really am sad about that.

Evan is also a mini monster. We weigh him and track his height in 2 months, I expect him to be pretty much off the charts. He has had a major growth spurt, he is in 4T clothes and talks like a 4 year old. He can hold conversations and puts things together so much so it blows everyone away. People look at me crazy when I say he is almost two and half he has matured so much in the past two months it is really unreal – even early pictures of him and Michael show how he went from a toddler to a kid. It makes me sad and proud. Sad, because my newborn skipped so quickly to a baby and my toddler so quickly from a toddler to a child but proud because they are my boys, they are happy, healthy and beautiful.

Evan has adjusted to having Michael around so wonderfully I cannot believe it. It is something that no one around me can believe either. As much as Hector’s personality makes me absolutely crazy sometimes, my children exhibit that true mellowness that has to be in their genes, in their makeup – so I’m learning to love Hector’s mellowness, it gave my kids a great disposition.

Now – don’t get me wrong, not everything is sunshine and daisies all the time. Some days are tough, but most days are wonderfully balanced, except I find it hard to be away. Even though making time for me is important. Yoga helps me keep that anxiety in check, my kids and yoga teach me to be present. That is something I try to work on each day. Being present, not giving myself a heart attack about 6 months, 2 years, 10 years from now. Yes, my babies will grow – and yes, it breaks my heart they will not be babies forever – but they are babies now and I need to soak that all up. My body will get there, my heart will get there, as long as I’m moving forward and taking it all in (and taking A BILLION pictures) in the meantime.

Like I said, I’m emotional. Emotional thinking this could be my last baby, my last time to enjoy so much time at home with my boys. Emotional with gratitude. Emotional over so many things. I have to remind myself to keep breathing too because my boys are breathtaking. Simply breathtaking.

My Weekend – Insert Sadface & Last Weekend In Pictures (5/26)

June 3, 2014June 3, 2014 JenLeave a comment

This weekend was supposed to be really was awesome. I woke up Saturday morning so happy I thought I could fly. My husband had told me he was going to get Sunday off (Whaoo!!) and I was all set at 7 a.m. to get my day started with FARMER’S MARKET! One of my all-time favorite places to go. It is honestly such an awesome way to start the weekend. Fresh veggies, flowers… the works. I was especially looking forward to grabbing some herbs and a strawberry plant for Evan’s very own lil garden (a couple pots this year! next year a whole little bed!! If we don’t get to it this year). I called my mom and was off! Had a great talk with the hubs and stepped out the front door at 7:30 sharp.

Then BAM! Major accident. I was walking down my front steps with my lulu bag and flip flops and hit an uneven piece of concrete and my loose ligaments in my right ankle gave way! It was such a scary moment. I knew immediately that my day was taking a dramatic turn and BOY did it HURT! I immediately yelled out for Hector in short gasps “Hector. Help. Please hurry.” It was honestly so terrifying. Thank God he was home. As someone who plays sports and has had aches, pains and sprains I knew I needed to get it up and iced as fast as possible. The pain was so intense I thought I was going to pass out. I got inside, asked Hector to get me some I ice and give me a phone, I needed to call my mom. Naturally, I called my mom in tears, likely frightened her and thank God she lives like 3 minutes away because she was there in a flash because within minutes it looked like this:

A half hour later (with icing and elevating):

I was over the moon in pain. I never want to go to the hospital with things like this because I knew it wasn’t broken but my mom talked me into it. I knew the doctor would tell me “It isn’t broken, ice, elevate and take Tylenol” (because I can’t take NSAIDs). Still around 3’clock because the pain was at an 8 if it wasn’t elevated (and even then the throbbing was awful)… I broke down and went.

To Elmhurst ER we went haha. They said it wasn’t broken, and to ice, elevate and take Tylenol. They gave me a fancy aircast and crutches since I really couldn’t put any weight on it whatsoever. The hardest part of this all was the fact that I had so much planned. It is tough to watch my weekend fly by when I was literally daydreaming about long walks and sunkissed cheeks and instead I was elevated and icing. My sweet son had a nice time with Grandma though!!

I spent my Saturday and Sunday pretty much in bed or on a couch because the minute my foot hit the floor major major pain.

Ah well. Some weekends just don’t work out the way you planned. Today it is still painful and turning a lovely shade of purple but I’m hobbling around and hope to be gently hobbling around tomorrow. As this is my right leg with my crappy knee to begin with the hobbling will likely cause other strange pains so I’m trying to gently stretch in all ways that feel good and aren’t terribly painful. I’m praying that this heals quickly because my almost two-year-old… as sweet as he is isn’t easy to keep up with on crutches or hobbling.

Here are some pictures of LAST weekend, the weekend I was looking to semi-recreate:

Little Man Update – 1.5 Years GASP

January 26, 2014 JenLeave a comment

My how time flies. I know I say that every time I blog, but NOTHING could be more true. Honestly before I know it WEEKS have gone by.

When Evan was first born we would count his weeks “Oh he is 5 weeks old” that turned into months “He is 4.5 months” which has now turned to half years “He is one and a half” *sobs*

He has grown so much and continues to blow me away with his knowledge. He is full on bilingual. He knows more Spanish and can go back and forth better then Hector can🙂 It blows me away! Typically we ask “More?” and he will say “mas, si” haha or we will say “Say thank you” and he will say “gracias” yesterday he did another phrase and I remember being so blown away because I just am so proud. I’ve of course forgotten it, but will have to wrack my brain because it was a good one!! He knows his first swear word in Spanish and I laugh so hard when he says it that I’m sure he will continue to say it more and more. Evan sings the birthday song, old McDonald, and takes stabs at everything else. He knows all his objects, hats, socks, food, water (agua), toys, car, ipad, tv, shoes, boots (yep knows the difference), bed, bath, oso…. etc really the list is endless. He knows people! Points and everything Colie, Gamma (or Debbie!), Abue, Hector, Daddie, Josh (Tio, Tio, Tio), Naci (Nancy), JOE!, Joey, and of course Mama… haha❤ He is perfection. He speaks in phrases, says everything in context and is just amazing. Really how did I get so lucky?

As much as I loved squishy baby phase, I must say this independent toddler phase is a blast. He is just so curious and funny and I love watching his personality. I honestly just stare at him sometimes as if I cannot believe he is real, I cannot imagine my life without him and there is nowhere I’d rather be then with him. I love how he laughs, and how boyish he is. He is a little dare devil! I want to soak up as much of it as I can! He makes me so happy, and proud (did I say that already?).

We had his 18 month checkup and it of course went very well (he needs a haircut, I know but I can’t bring myself to do it):

27lbs 1oz (90th percentile for weight) 34.5 inches tall (98th percentile for height) – He is perfectly proportioned but definitely a big guy, and very strong.

Must be all the green drinks😉

He is a great eater – not picky at all and has almost all his teeth, definitely a full mouth.

I’ve already started thinking about his 2nd birthday party (when I’ve yet to blog about his first one! Which I will because it was AMAZING!):

I’m thinking paper airplanes or nautical themed. We shall see… I went a little crazy last year and hope to scale back haha:

Scary that I’m opening my brain to that once again. We should probably just go on vacation instead🙂 lol.

I am so over the moon with my little guy. Happy Half Birthday To You:

(thanks for still cuddling❤ )

Tears and Fears

December 16, 2012 JenLeave a comment

I woke up yesterday with a chip on my shoulder, don’t ask why I just did. I found myself being blue about a few things and then I heard the awful horrible news about the massacre in CT.

I’m sure everyone who has watched the news, read articles or is directly connected to this absolutely unbelievable act of violence are just beside themselves, I know I am. Walking into our kitchen at work and seeing the headline on the TV stopped me dead in my tracks and I gasped for air as I read what had happened. My mind still cannot escape the loss of lives, of little innocent children who should be spending today, a Saturday, at home with their parents too excited that Santa is coming to visit in such a short time.

My mom and I discussed how some parents were probably running around finishing up shopping, or wrapping gifts and hiding them, and to get that call or hear it on the news. My eyes fill with tears at just the thought. These parents who still cannot hold their children 20 families who have lost someone so young so innocent and six more who have lost a loved one in such a tragic way. I heard the principal who passed had five children. Five children, who do not have a mom.

As I held Evan last night and this morning I just cannot imagine the pain. In fact, I loose breath at just the thought. My prayers, deepest condolences and thoughts go out to the families, friends and community in Newtown, CT. God bless.

Time.Love.Loss

November 6, 2012 JenLeave a comment

Four years ago I wrote this:

Realizes life is just too short. Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself “I can’t wait until this day is over!” It’s sad how we take life for granted until it’s over. What some people would give to get those wasted days back. Tomorrow I am going to take the time to breathe a little deeper, to watch the leaves fall from the trees, enjoy my cup of coffee for the taste and not the caffeine to keep me going, I am going to hug people just a little tighter to show them I really appreciate them being in my life and just to feel their touch, I am going to think twice about getting upset that a car cuts me off or that an Attorney at work is giving me too much work for one day, I am going to look at my textbooks a little longer and appreciate all the hard work it took to get them into my hands to be a tool to my future knowledge, I am going to listen intently when people speak because I’d wish they’d do the same for me… Don’t dwell on the past, and don’t live in the future, live for the now and today. Enjoy family, friends and what makes you happy. At the end of the day we don’t know what is going to happen the next so let’s just cherish every moment. Keep your head high… Truly live each day as it’s your last. Love too much, Listen intently, Laugh like you mean it, kiss with passion, and hug tightly…

Rest In Peace Lionel.😦

Lionel’s brother posted how today marked four years, and I felt breath literally leave my body. Four years? How did that happen? How does life go on when you lose someone way too soon? Evan gives me that want to live each day like it is our last. To enjoy every second, even the sucky ones where he is crying and you can’t seem to comfort him quickly enough. Then I think about Lionel, and how his son is four years older. Without his father and my heart breaks. It is that whole, “life isn’t fair” thing that runs through my head. Everyone has these stores of lives ended too early. A dear friend of mine wrote me earlier about a loss in her family (maybe not blood, but my definition of family exceeds those blood lines, just ask my friends… I’d do anything for them) and again my heart feels heavy. I don’t know that family, but I know my friend. I know her heart is heavy and pained and I just want to take it all away.

One thing I’m terrible with is loss, I simply cannot cope. Even when all else around you continues, I feel like those moments are the only moments that last forever. A heavy heavy heart, mourning, missing.

So friends, with a heavy heart I remind you to drink your coffee. Cuddle with loved ones. Let your baby drool all over your face and pull your hair😉 (Evan’s favorites lately). Just when you think you have enough cuddles for the day… Cuddle some more. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Appreciate, breathe and soak it in. Today truly is a blessing. Even when you are at work staring at what you are doing saying “ugh, where IS 5:00” (or the equivalent) remember this is your life and 5:00 will come and it will go but those wasted minutes… we never get back.

Stay positive people.

And for all our lost loved ones. We miss you, we celebrate your life, but we miss your tangible presence. ❤

Home really is where your heart is.

October 29, 2012 Jen2 Comments

In my life I have been lucky enough to always have a “home” or really move somewhere and lay roots. My childhood was filled with fond memories of our home as children. We had it all – a huge backyard, with an awesome swing set, a huge pool, massive parties (a couple wedding parities, seriously) and so many memories… great memories.

Nordica — My twin brother, Joey. Little sister, Nicole and the best dog in the world, Rocco (our family German Shepard – Oso has HUGE paws to fill)

When I was in 5th grade we moved to my grandma’s building, a two flat in the city. A huge difference from our first home. We stayed here until I we were done with grammar school. Again, we made roots, tons of friends and enjoyed lots of family company… It was the hub. We loved it. We got to know our grandparents so well – a gift that cannot be replaced by anything.

Greatest Grandparents Ever (2008) – Grandpa is grunting at this photo from heaven.❤

Then my mom bought a house back near our first neighborhood. Just in time for Joey and I to go to high school. Another place that I will forever call home. My mom still lives there, but so do I practically. Our high school years were packed, basketball games, club activities, friends… More activities, you know how teenage years go. This is also where I met my husband, the place where we had our baby shower, the area I trained for my first marathon, and where we plan to buy our first home. My mom hates her home, but if I could afford to buy it, it’d be mine. ;-)

Then I moved in with my future husband. I was pretty young, but I’d like to think I made good decisions back then (and still do, I mean we are married, aren’t we?) and for the first time in HIS life, we stayed put. In the first couple years of Hector and I dating he moved like five times in two years. This was such a crazy concept to me, I simply didn’t understand the jump around. They stayed in the same area but never lived in one place for very long. So he had never really felt connected to a certain place, until he moved into his first apartment. He lived there for a while, then I moved in and we stayed put for four years. That was his first home, until life came full circle, my grandfather passed away and we moved back to my grandma’s building (a second go for me). We have lived here for three years already. It is home, but it isn’t our dream place or space. But this place was our first move together, just him and I. We got engaged here, adopted a puppy, got married and had a baby here. Why am I talking about this? Because it is a very real possibly we won’t be here too much longer.

Yesterday I spent the day here with my little man, and I’ve never felt so attached. I grew up in this home, and my son was born here. This will be his first home, which he will never remember but I will remember the first day home with him, forever. Bringing him upstairs, placing his carseat on the floor and taking him out. Being so exhausted that we cuddled up on the couch and fell asleep.

So although this isn’t our dream home, it is home. I’m already sad at the thought of leaving with all the memories we packed here in such a short time. Although moving isn’t for sure just yet, it really isn’t too far away.

I sorta want to hug the walls. They have kept my baby safe and warm❤

Memory

October 17, 2012October 17, 2012 JenLeave a comment

So we are into week two of being back at work. What have I noticed? Time goes by too quickly. My sweet baby is just growing before my eyes and all I can focus on are his cute moments and how I want to remember them all.

— Like this, my first? second? day with my sweet baby sleeping on my chest at the hospital – hospital=blur I just remember there was lots of joy and love.

Isn’t memory a crazy thing? How certain smells can remind you of a time, how a song can evoke memories from the past?

I have always been someone who is in tune with their senses. Maybe because my eyes are so bad, everything else works so well. I can dig through a pile of laundry and know exactly what shirt I am looking for by touch. The song “Baby Boy” will always remind me of Miggie’s old house in EP and hanging out at her house after school. So many old songs remind me of very exact moments or periods of my life. This might be everybody, who knows, I just know that my senses are like a storybook.

My house ALWAYS smells like the seasons. I’m addicted to candles and they must match the season. Pumpkin spice and falling leaves in the fall, balsam pine (omg, I die) in the winter, springy flowers in the spring and melons in the summer.

When I got pregnant my senses went into super crazy hyper drive, I was so sick that I can remember not liking loun for a while, the touch on my skin reminded me how sick I was. The SMELL of a certain laundry detergent (TIDE sport) STILL bothers me because I wore it when my pregnant senses were screaming “this smells bad, you want to puke!!” and I almost would cry when Hector would say “You smell good!” because that smell never seemed to want to wash out of my clothes (we have since switched to free and clear and will never go back). I still have a great distaste for that smell, but THANKFULLY love my loun once again.

Where am I going with this? Today I asked a friend if she could remember everything about her son, as he is growing. I knew she couldn’t, but I almost wish she said yes. When I went for lunch to nurse Evan today, I remember holding him and looking at him (like I have done many times so far in his life) and hoping that I would remember just how small he was, how his hand would pound my chest. I hoped I would remember that he had the same outfit in newborn and three months and how he once fit in the newborn size and now fits so snugly into the 3 month size. I hope that I remember how nice he fit in my arms. I know I’ll remember that today was the say I noticed he is getting far too long, and his legs dangle far away from my body. His new thing is to push away from me with his strong legs (he’s a ninja), he gets upset because he pushes his body away from me and doesn’t realize he is the one causing this.

I need to be better at writing things down. I know I’ll be grateful that I have my blog diary but even little moments with Evan I want to remember. All of my pregnancy moments feel so faded already. I KNOW that I would stare at my belly and tell myself, this isn’t going to last forever, take it in… As I rubbed lotion on my belly tonight I realized it really isn’t noticeable I had a baby in there. Sure there is a little excess fat and my skin isn’t as tight but I notice it a bit tighter by the day (thank you firming lotion!). I’m of course grateful for this, that my body took pregnancy so well but at the same time I’m sad that I didn’t relish a little more in the wonderful moments of carrying my beautiful baby in there. I’m not beating myself up, I just remember that if there is a next time I know what to do to keep my body and baby healthy – I’m going to enjoy every single second of my baby bump next time.

Some awesome resent memories?

– Buddy walk [fail] and 30 seconds with my best and her family.

– A Saturday spent at home, with my baby cuddled in my arms. ALL.DAY. It was perfection. Absolute perfection.

– 30 seconds of private time with the hubby. I nice long hug – we need to remember to get some us time. He is a favorite though, Iove him tons.

– Evan’s new “I want to laugh, but I scream” moments. Melt. My. Heart.

– This morning’s coffee, in my favorite coffee cup [love my sister]

– an hour of “me” time this am, to finish a post and do some stretching Now off to cuddle with my baby and finish getting ready for work. I have to pop into TJs today for some pumpkins and squash. Because it is about that time.

I’m a simple girl, who loves the simple things. Sure I freak out about many things, but I’m learning to release control and go with the flow a little more each day. Who gives me that bliss? My sweet baby who just wants to snuggle and my wonderful husband who still holds my hand.

My loves.

A huge part of living a healthy lifestyle is mental. It is something that never should be neglected. For me fitness helps me mentally – the pavement and yoga mat are my favorite forms of therapy But you also have to love you life, and take time to cuddle. Lately I don’t hate myself (like I use to) if I skip a workout to rock my baby to sleep, or if some of the dishes aren’t washed at night before I go to be Oh. Well. (hubby can do them in the morning) – Give yourself a break. Breathe. Enjoy every moment, and make lots of memories – Life flashes before our eyes.❤

Ready or Not…

October 3, 2012 Jen1 Comment

Well, as I sit here typing this blog my beautiful baby is fast asleep, dinner is in the slow cooker (I’m perfecting my coconut red curry), my computer is furiously downloading another 1000 pictures (90% are Evan), I just finished catching up on Homeland, and I’m enjoying the scent of a freshly lit falling leaves candle…

As happy as all the things above are, I can’t help but feel sad. Fall is usually my favorite season but I will now forever think of it as the season that reminded me how fast time flies, how quickly babies grow and how happy I was this summer.

I’m generally a happy person. I live well, appreciate those in my life, treat my body with respect, and thank God for all the wonderful things he has put into my life. It isn’t a secret I wasn’t the happiest when I found out I was pregnant, but it truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Today I snuggled all day with my child, and it was honestly the best feeling in the world. I didn’t strike a single yoga pose, or pick up any weights yet today and I have never been happier. Holding Evan just makes me sickly happy and I’m really going to miss being with him all day. These past 11 weeks have been the best weeks of my life. I’d like to think I have accomplished things so far and I’m proud of a lot of them, but these past 11 weeks really have given me a completely different outlook on life. I honestly cannot remember a time at which my heart was so happy and yet felt so heavy looking into the future.

Still working on loosing the baby weight, but I have a different set of priorities these days.

My days with my son 24/7 are rapidly coming to an end, and next week I return to work. It is absolutely terrifying to think about. I taken about seven hundred cleansing breaths and to keep my tears at bay (they flow anyway).

I have done my absolute hardest to hold it together, I have even thought of ways to remind myself why I need to return to work. Our healthy eating habits, come at a price. Fresh produce, and things needed to prepare a well balanced meal aren’t cheap. My fitness activities all cost money (even running, I need new shoes!). Keeping a baby clothed, diapered and bathed isn’t cheap. Keeping a roof over our head, costs money. I want Evan to grow up in a very happy home, where he gets things he needs without us having to worry about where the money is coming from for them. My husband and I are even starting to search for a home, because we want Evan to grow up in a house, close to family. An easy place to gather with friends and family… where we no longer have to worry about parking.

I went to school, and worked my behind off. I studied, worked and dreamed about a career. I knew I wanted kids, but I always thought I’d be a 30 something year old, with a career well under way… Now I’m a twenty something year old who doesn’t want to leave my baby. I have been searching for a job that will lead to a long career and lots of development, and that hasn’t went well but I’m lucky enough to be employed, and I genuinely like the people I work with dealing with my feelings of failure to not find a job that offers me any real career path pales in comparison to the feelings I have about handing Evan off for the better part of the day, 5 days a week. Leaving my child is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I haven’t even done it yet.

This blog isn’t really to say anything but that I’m terrified. Even after writing this I don’t feel better. I thought I might, but I don’t. Any advice? I don’t want to miss anything. He is growing so quickly, and I don’t want to miss anything. Now I’m getting choked up. haha, excellent. Evan is stirring and I’m going to sit next to his swing and try not to wake him and likely fail because I always pick him up to give him hugs when I feel this rush of emotion. *sigh*