That’s the word of the day. I’m totally conflicted. Anxiety creeping in. I expected this. I knew that my 12 weeks of maternity leave would fly. I knew that it would be beyond bittersweet to return to work. Sweet, because I do it so I can provide for my family and build my life beyond motherhood – it is what I need to do, for me. Bitter, for obvious reasons. I LOVE being with my boys. I truly do. I love nursing my sweet baby boy, even though clogged ducts that make me fall ill (that’s what happened this weekend *sad face*). I love living each moment with Evan, he is SO full of life. He is smart, funny and just down right amazing.
Michael is thriving. He is 13lbs 9oz (70% tile) and 24.5 inches long (90+% tile), he is so strong and beautiful. I stare at him cry, on the rare occasion he does, just to be in awe of him. He does this lip quiver thing that I never want him to stop doing and I want to badly to capture in on video but have been unsuccessful. He is a cuddler like his brother, he likes to be wrapped tight and close. He doesn’t spend much time in his rock n play or his swing – he is in my arms or in the Moby. I just can’t get enough of him.
So many people told me there was no way I’d get so lucky with a sweet easy baby again. That my second would be a terror. Well they were all wrong, he is just as mellow and sweet as Evan was. He is an excellent nurser and pretty good sleeper. If I didn’t hate pregnancy so much I’d think about another. Really, he is that sweet. I love being a mother, and am sad I am not one who cannot enjoy pregnancy. I really am sad about that.
Evan is also a mini monster. We weigh him and track his height in 2 months, I expect him to be pretty much off the charts. He has had a major growth spurt, he is in 4T clothes and talks like a 4 year old. He can hold conversations and puts things together so much so it blows everyone away. People look at me crazy when I say he is almost two and half he has matured so much in the past two months it is really unreal – even early pictures of him and Michael show how he went from a toddler to a kid. It makes me sad and proud. Sad, because my newborn skipped so quickly to a baby and my toddler so quickly from a toddler to a child but proud because they are my boys, they are happy, healthy and beautiful.
Evan has adjusted to having Michael around so wonderfully I cannot believe it. It is something that no one around me can believe either. As much as Hector’s personality makes me absolutely crazy sometimes, my children exhibit that true mellowness that has to be in their genes, in their makeup – so I’m learning to love Hector’s mellowness, it gave my kids a great disposition.
Now – don’t get me wrong, not everything is sunshine and daisies all the time. Some days are tough, but most days are wonderfully balanced, except I find it hard to be away. Even though making time for me is important. Yoga helps me keep that anxiety in check, my kids and yoga teach me to be present. That is something I try to work on each day. Being present, not giving myself a heart attack about 6 months, 2 years, 10 years from now. Yes, my babies will grow – and yes, it breaks my heart they will not be babies forever – but they are babies now and I need to soak that all up. My body will get there, my heart will get there, as long as I’m moving forward and taking it all in (and taking A BILLION pictures) in the meantime.
Like I said, I’m emotional. Emotional thinking this could be my last baby, my last time to enjoy so much time at home with my boys. Emotional with gratitude. Emotional over so many things. I have to remind myself to keep breathing too because my boys are breathtaking. Simply breathtaking.