Being Present

I really miss my daily workouts, they helped me center myself and remind me to be present.  I used to enjoy the car ride (not worry about where I was going, if I was going to be late, what I could have done to get there faster), to enjoy my breakfast, to enjoy my husbands wacky ideas (today he told me he wished he was a billionaire so he could build a spaceship and travel to the moon, God I love this man) instead I am on edge, all the time thinking why isn’t the husband talking about future baby plans, better financial plans… This is something I have struggled with my whole life (well, as far back as I can remember).  I always look forward, making lists, worrying about making future ends meet, now focusing on all I need for baby, how he will be growing next week…  I can tell my endorphins are not flowing like they used to and I blame that on my laziness and not taking an hour to workout as often as I did.

My energy lately is, well, non-existent.  I feel great in the morning, even if I don’t get the best sleep, but by 5 p.m. it is like I have been working out my shoulders all day and I can barely keep my eyes open (my front heaviness, is starting to play a roll on my upper body as I try to correct posture all day).  The third trimester fatigue has definitely set in and thus my full workouts have suffered and my “being present” has become almost as equally non-existent as my energy.  I’m finding myself worrying about baby items, do I have this?  Do I have that? Do we really need that? What if I don’t get the pictures in his nursery up before he comes?  How am I going to afford maternity leave?  Everyone says newborn days suck, can I handle it?  40 days to go… 37 days to go… my head keeps racing for all the things I need to do.  I need to work out, I need to sleep… I need to write a blog, I need to write down memories… I need to figure out this pediatrician stuff, RIGHT NOW.  I just keep racing over things in my head and I’m not stopping to enjoy this part of my life.  I try not to shop, thinking, we will need the money later… I also need to stop that.  I need to watch a movie with my husband or sit down and enjoy a meal with him because we really won’t have alone time for too much longer.  Somehow so far in my life, probably because of my faith, everything has worked out and I need to take solace in that.  When I feared I couldn’t do something, somehow, it happened.

What am I doing about this?  I’m going to just stop.  Stop thinking so much, whatever we do not have for the baby, we will figure out when he is here.  They did it with a LOT LESS back in the day.  Plus, I have my husband, my mom and my wonderful friends to help get me through this.  I CAN and WILL do the best that I can, I WILL make mistakes, but why worry about them now?  When they happen, and when they happen and I’ll deal with it then.  You know what else will happen in the future?  I WILL do some things just right.  There is nothing wrong with worrying a little about the future, that is natural.  How much I worry about it?  Not so natural, as it consumes my day, and I am pretty sure it just adds to my exhaustion and makes me feel, well, blue.

So, today, the day I hit 35 weeks, I’m resolving to just be.  I’m going to do in the moment, what I feel is right.  I’m going to enjoy the company of my friends and family, my husband and my wonderful oso.  I’m absolutely going to push myself back into doing my daily walks and instead of laying in bed for the extra 30-45 minutes in the morning I’m going to get up and do my yoga because I know it will make me feel so much better, but if my body tells me to stay in bed, I will.  I must say I’m getting better at listening to it.  Pregnancy will do that to you.  It will let you know to slow down, you need to rest and it will tell you hey your have energy get up and DO something.

Cool things are happening in baby land, every day my body amazes me by how it can handle this.  I’ve had a great pregnancy so far “textbook” as my doctors say, but for me if all I can complain about is being more tired than usual, I really should consider myself very lucky.  So I’m going to be present and not feel guilty about watching my belly do strange things for hours on end.

How do you stay present?  Are you an over thinker?

2 thoughts on “Being Present

  1. I am guilty of this and I am definitely not preggo or waiting for a new addition! Not the workout stuff these days (that DOES GET BETTER !!!! WOOO HOOO) But the worrying about everything in my life. I am always worrying about what is next on my list, what I have to do, where we have to go, what I need to bring, do I smell poo??? I just changed you!!!!! 🙂 I try to remember that I need to take time to enjoy things with Jackson. I am aware of what I am doing, so I suppose that helps. I TRY each week to take a day or a morning or afternoon where we can just hang out. No rushing around, the dishes can wait, and who cares if there are kashi cookie crumbs all over the floor! It is hard. It is crazy that it takes total awareness to actually be present sometimes. But I think that goes hand in hand with being a mom. So on behalf of all momma’s, welcome to mommahood, the craziest most wonderful club around. Do try to enjoy time with Hector now. That is a good idea. Things are bananas after the baby. Trust me. You are just so consumed with that little human being you just made that other things get forgotten. I love you and I am counting down the days!!!!!!

  2. […] I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything but baby related things.  From breastfeeding fears (this is something I DESPREATELY want to do and would be devastated if I couldn’t make it work), to being prepared as far as material items, to how I’ll handle it emotionally to already fast forwarding to the future wondering if it will be impossible for me to return to work.  I so desperately want to be a stay at home mom, even if it could only be 6 months but the reality is Hector and I are a dual income family, and that is what we have to do for our family.  I’m hoping writing this down will help calm some of my anxiety – positive thinking is what I have adopted lately.  Luckily I have found in my life, probably because of my faith, is things just work out and I need to remember to take things one day at a time. […]

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