Well, as I sit here typing this blog my beautiful baby is fast asleep, dinner is in the slow cooker (I’m perfecting my coconut red curry), my computer is furiously downloading another 1000 pictures (90% are Evan), I just finished catching up on Homeland, and I’m enjoying the scent of a freshly lit falling leaves candle…
As happy as all the things above are, I can’t help but feel sad. Fall is usually my favorite season but I will now forever think of it as the season that reminded me how fast time flies, how quickly babies grow and how happy I was this summer.
I’m generally a happy person. I live well, appreciate those in my life, treat my body with respect, and thank God for all the wonderful things he has put into my life. It isn’t a secret I wasn’t the happiest when I found out I was pregnant, but it truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Today I snuggled all day with my child, and it was honestly the best feeling in the world. I didn’t strike a single yoga pose, or pick up any weights yet today and I have never been happier. Holding Evan just makes me sickly happy and I’m really going to miss being with him all day. These past 11 weeks have been the best weeks of my life. I’d like to think I have accomplished things so far and I’m proud of a lot of them, but these past 11 weeks really have given me a completely different outlook on life. I honestly cannot remember a time at which my heart was so happy and yet felt so heavy looking into the future.
My days with my son 24/7 are rapidly coming to an end, and next week I return to work. It is absolutely terrifying to think about. I taken about seven hundred cleansing breaths and to keep my tears at bay (they flow anyway).
I have done my absolute hardest to hold it together, I have even thought of ways to remind myself why I need to return to work. Our healthy eating habits, come at a price. Fresh produce, and things needed to prepare a well balanced meal aren’t cheap. My fitness activities all cost money (even running, I need new shoes!). Keeping a baby clothed, diapered and bathed isn’t cheap. Keeping a roof over our head, costs money. I want Evan to grow up in a very happy home, where he gets things he needs without us having to worry about where the money is coming from for them. My husband and I are even starting to search for a home, because we want Evan to grow up in a house, close to family. An easy place to gather with friends and family… where we no longer have to worry about parking.
I went to school, and worked my behind off. I studied, worked and dreamed about a career. I knew I wanted kids, but I always thought I’d be a 30 something year old, with a career well under way… Now I’m a twenty something year old who doesn’t want to leave my baby. I have been searching for a job that will lead to a long career and lots of development, and that hasn’t went well but I’m lucky enough to be employed, and I genuinely like the people I work with dealing with my feelings of failure to not find a job that offers me any real career path pales in comparison to the feelings I have about handing Evan off for the better part of the day, 5 days a week. Leaving my child is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I haven’t even done it yet.
This blog isn’t really to say anything but that I’m terrified. Even after writing this I don’t feel better. I thought I might, but I don’t. Any advice? I don’t want to miss anything. He is growing so quickly, and I don’t want to miss anything. Now I’m getting choked up. haha, excellent. Evan is stirring and I’m going to sit next to his swing and try not to wake him and likely fail because I always pick him up to give him hugs when I feel this rush of emotion. *sigh*