Being Honest

I always wanted to be the person who decided with my husband the perfect time to have a baby.  I wanted to be excited to stop whatever form of birth control, and look forward to a missed period.  I wanted to cry tears of happiness when the result came back positive.  I wanted to come up with a cute way to share it with friends and family and I wanted to be “ready” or as “ready” as you can be to have a baby…

 

That was not reality for me.  My husband and I got pregnant immediately after getting married, and completely by accident.  It had been an insane month, I was job hunting, preparing for the Chicago Marathon, getting a part time job and lululemon, getting MARRIED, planning that wedding in like two weeks, and working a whole bunch of hours at my full-time job.  As things died down, I ran a short 5k with my sister in November and started feeling no-so myself. I figured it was because I had such a crazy October and working full-time and part time that November.  Then, a week before Thanksgiving (how ironic) I realized I was quite a few days late with my period.  I knew the exact date of my last one October 8th, because it was Marathon time, and I was pissed.  I was always very regular and new something was “off” with me.  So I told my husband who was beyond surprised at this.  Sure enough, we came home and took two tests…  They were positive, and the sad thing?  Neither of us were happy.

I know that sounds terrible, but it is reality.  I look back and want to cry because I was so upset over the news, and didn’t stop to think nearly enough how much of a blessing it was.  I cried countless hours in the beginning.  I wasn’t ready.  We JUST got married.  We had plans to travel first, buy a home, and enjoy married life, just us.  Funny how life throws you curve balls, huh?

It didn’t help that I had a pretty awful first trimester (tons of morning-noon-night sickness until about 17-18 weeks) and for some reason was embarrassed to be pregnant.  Why?  I have no clue.  I work with a bunch of people whose opinions matter a ton to me and I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.  The people I work with, my parents… myself.  I felt disappointed in myself.  Why?  Because I wanted to have a career, and be successful.  I wanted to have kids on my time, to be able to give them everything they wanted.

Looking back, getting pregnant was exactly what I needed.  I feel I cut short so much of my pregnancy not liking how my body was changing, and worrying about how it would bounce back.  Vain, right?  Looking at my son, even if I had stretch marks and morning sickness until the day I gave birth… It was all worth it.  He is SO worth everything.  I’m glad I took some time nearing the end of my pregnancy to enjoy it a bit, because my little love was in there… growing, developing, and learning my voice.

I feel so INCREDIBLY lucky to have such a wonderful little baby.  I have gotten so lucky my whole life, granted I work hard for a lot of things, but I have also simply gotten lucky with others.  Like friends, I have incredible friends and luck brought them to me.  It isn’t easy to find good friends, but mine have fallen into my lap and I feel so blessed.  My family, is amazing.  My husband, is fabulous.  And my baby, he is such a good baby.  I’m not trying to flaunt it, but I’m really just trying to say how lucky I am.  He is mellow, much like his father (thank god!) and just loving.  He likes to cuddle, he looks for me when I talk and he isn’t in my arms.  He is perfect.  Really, in every way.

Sometimes, when I find myself complaining about something (like my weight right now) I really try to look at the bigger picture.  I have a happy healthy family, wonderful friends, a roof over my head, a puppy who craves my love and affection… I mean, really what else could a girl want.  I’m just so grateful.

Today marks my son’s one month birthday.  The past month has taught me so much.  I never thought I could love something as much as I love him.  Each day my love for him grows.

So, although I missed out on some serious pregnancy moments from being sad… I’m embracing each day and finding the positive in everything I can.  Mostly because, I’m a mom now.  I want Evan to live in a positive world with happy parents.  Everyone has their off days, but I have so much to be grateful for, that I need to make sure I live like I have lived for the past month, with far less of those days than in the past.

My little love bug is making those “Mommy, I need you” noises… ❤

Happy One Month Birthday my little angel.

 

4 thoughts on “Being Honest

  1. Great honest post. It can be hard to adjust when our plans get botched, but being grateful for your blessings certainly helps get you there! As a mom to thee teen boys I can tell you there will be many more opportunities to adjust to curve balls:)! Enjoy being a Mom – its an awesome thing!

  2. I totally understand not being ready. When the test turned I started crying saying “What are we going to do?” 6 months later, I’m totally mommy-ing it up 🙂 Scariest moment turned best thing that ever happened to me. Congrats on your baby 🙂

    1. Thank you!! He is amazing! I’m so glad you are so into the baby, he is my life now! I really can’t imagine it without him!! Enjoy your little one!

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