I always wanted to be the person who decided with my husband the perfect time to have a baby. I wanted to be excited to stop whatever form of birth control, and look forward to a missed period. I wanted to cry tears of happiness when the result came back positive. I wanted to come up with a cute way to share it with friends and family and I wanted to be “ready” or as “ready” as you can be to have a baby…
That was not reality for me. My husband and I got pregnant immediately after getting married, and completely by accident. It had been an insane month, I was job hunting, preparing for the Chicago Marathon, getting a part time job and lululemon, getting MARRIED, planning that wedding in like two weeks, and working a whole bunch of hours at my full-time job. As things died down, I ran a short 5k with my sister in November and started feeling no-so myself. I figured it was because I had such a crazy October and working full-time and part time that November. Then, a week before Thanksgiving (how ironic) I realized I was quite a few days late with my period. I knew the exact date of my last one October 8th, because it was Marathon time, and I was pissed. I was always very regular and new something was “off” with me. So I told my husband who was beyond surprised at this. Sure enough, we came home and took two tests… They were positive, and the sad thing? Neither of us were happy.
I know that sounds terrible, but it is reality. I look back and want to cry because I was so upset over the news, and didn’t stop to think nearly enough how much of a blessing it was. I cried countless hours in the beginning. I wasn’t ready. We JUST got married. We had plans to travel first, buy a home, and enjoy married life, just us. Funny how life throws you curve balls, huh?
It didn’t help that I had a pretty awful first trimester (tons of morning-noon-night sickness until about 17-18 weeks) and for some reason was embarrassed to be pregnant. Why? I have no clue. I work with a bunch of people whose opinions matter a ton to me and I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. The people I work with, my parents… myself. I felt disappointed in myself. Why? Because I wanted to have a career, and be successful. I wanted to have kids on my time, to be able to give them everything they wanted.
Looking back, getting pregnant was exactly what I needed. I feel I cut short so much of my pregnancy not liking how my body was changing, and worrying about how it would bounce back. Vain, right? Looking at my son, even if I had stretch marks and morning sickness until the day I gave birth… It was all worth it. He is SO worth everything. I’m glad I took some time nearing the end of my pregnancy to enjoy it a bit, because my little love was in there… growing, developing, and learning my voice.
I feel so INCREDIBLY lucky to have such a wonderful little baby. I have gotten so lucky my whole life, granted I work hard for a lot of things, but I have also simply gotten lucky with others. Like friends, I have incredible friends and luck brought them to me. It isn’t easy to find good friends, but mine have fallen into my lap and I feel so blessed. My family, is amazing. My husband, is fabulous. And my baby, he is such a good baby. I’m not trying to flaunt it, but I’m really just trying to say how lucky I am. He is mellow, much like his father (thank god!) and just loving. He likes to cuddle, he looks for me when I talk and he isn’t in my arms. He is perfect. Really, in every way.
Sometimes, when I find myself complaining about something (like my weight right now) I really try to look at the bigger picture. I have a happy healthy family, wonderful friends, a roof over my head, a puppy who craves my love and affection… I mean, really what else could a girl want. I’m just so grateful.
Today marks my son’s one month birthday. The past month has taught me so much. I never thought I could love something as much as I love him. Each day my love for him grows.
So, although I missed out on some serious pregnancy moments from being sad… I’m embracing each day and finding the positive in everything I can. Mostly because, I’m a mom now. I want Evan to live in a positive world with happy parents. Everyone has their off days, but I have so much to be grateful for, that I need to make sure I live like I have lived for the past month, with far less of those days than in the past.
My little love bug is making those “Mommy, I need you” noises… ❤
Happy One Month Birthday my little angel.