1.attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense); seek to defend or justify.
Yep, that’s all I can give for my break from blogging. Sad part is I enjoy blogging. Which means it needs to stop taking a back seat to everything going on in my life. Which brings me to being honest and wanting to discuss several things. I couldn’t write (no would anyone read) all of my random thoughts in one blog post so that means I have lots of content but need to make the time to put it all out there: the beautiful, the ugly, the honest. But I must say my current state of insanity has only one person to blame, me.
The beauty behind this smile is that my life on that day was pure chaos. I’d been working, received a call that my littlest love, who I am still nursing, had no milk left. So I had to rush home to feed him, and work from home. Through that chaos I’m immensely grateful for the management team that helps support me. But that day was not an easy one. I felt the true internal battle of: what is best for me? what is best for Michael? what is best for my job? Do people really understand the personal stress of the challenge of being a mom/working mom that either nurses or pumps for her little one? WHY DOESN’T MY BODY OVERPRODUCE like it did with Evan? Why am I so stressed all the time? Why do I feel so sad, like I’m failing EVERYONE, especially me. – I pride myself on overall making good decisions; but that doesn’t mean I’m always the most confident person in the room, in fact, as beautiful as confidence is and as much as admire it in the people around me, I constantly struggle with myself on just how confident I am in all things in my life.
Anyway, like most things – this day worked out. Michael was fed, my job’s immediate needs were met but one thing keeps lingering on: my feeling of so many open ends and the overwhelming anxiety that brings.
Our society today has so many issues. One – we report too much negative. Yes, bad things happen. But so do beautiful things. Yes, some things are ugly and need attention – but some things are so overwhelmingly breathtaking and they need attention too:
Like how a simple curtain can bring laughter to my sweet boy.
Today’s blog is just a rant of honesty. I’m tired. My brain is mushy and I don’t feel myself. That’s why I’m doing this – getting off my chest, out to the world and LETTING IT GO. I’ll continue to do my very best but I have to center myself and remind myself that even though I am getting things done, until I’m truly happy again it won’t be my best. So weekends are no longer going to be spent worrying about all the world I have to do during the week. I’m going to log off from time sucking social media, and enjoying my sweet boys who are growing so fast. I’m going to throw on Ugg boots, save for my 50/50s and make time to be the creative person I am.
Hopefully I’ll be back with some updates on lately – like GETTING BACK TO RUNNING and my EARLY morning yoga/meditation sessions that I’m making a point to do. I just want to tell everyone it is normal to feel sad, angry, anxious – but it is what you do to battle it. Do you talk about it? Do you find what makes you happy to get out of it? Do you give yourself a break and write down all the things that you DO DO correctly? It is one thing to hold yourself to high standards, it is another thing to be miserable in the handling of it. Life should be challenging, but rewarding. I always thing of it as 80/20 but I’m making a SOLID effort to making it 94/6 ;-)
You really must love the life you live, ya’ll. If you don’t, time to change it up.
Oh. Snuggle a baby, love a dog. :D