Honesty at Best

Excuse –

  1. 1.
    attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense); seek to defend or justify.

Yep, that’s all I can give for my break from blogging. Sad part is I enjoy blogging.  Which means it needs to stop taking a back seat to everything going on in my life. Which brings me to being honest and wanting to discuss several things.  I couldn’t write (no would anyone read) all of my random thoughts in one blog post so that means I have lots of content but need to make the time to put it all out there: the beautiful, the ugly, the honest.  But I must say my current state of insanity has only one person to blame, me.


The beauty behind this smile is that my life on that day was pure chaos.  I’d been working, received a call that my littlest love, who I am still nursing, had no milk left. So I had to rush home to feed him, and work from home.  Through that chaos I’m immensely grateful for the management team that helps support me.  But that day was not an easy one.  I felt the true internal battle of: what is best for me?  what is best for Michael?  what is best for my job? Do people really understand the personal stress of the challenge of being a mom/working mom that either nurses or pumps for her little one?  WHY DOESN’T MY BODY OVERPRODUCE like it did with Evan?  Why am I so stressed all the time?  Why do I feel so sad, like I’m failing EVERYONE, especially me. – I pride myself on overall making good decisions; but that doesn’t mean I’m always the most confident person in the room, in fact, as beautiful as confidence is and as much as admire it in the people around me, I constantly struggle with myself on just how confident I am in all things in my life.

Anyway, like most things – this day worked out.  Michael was fed, my job’s immediate needs were met but one thing keeps lingering on:  my feeling of so many open ends and the overwhelming anxiety that brings.

Our society today has so many issues.  One – we report too much negative.  Yes, bad things happen. But so do beautiful things.  Yes, some things are ugly and need attention – but some things are so overwhelmingly breathtaking and they need attention too:


Like how a simple curtain can bring laughter to my sweet boy.

Today’s blog is just a rant of honesty.  I’m tired. My brain is mushy and I don’t feel myself.  That’s why I’m doing this – getting off my chest, out to the world and LETTING IT GO.  I’ll continue to do my very best but I have to center myself and remind myself that even though I am getting things done, until I’m truly happy again it won’t be my best.  So weekends are no longer going to be spent worrying about all the world I have to do during the week.  I’m going to log off from time sucking social media, and enjoying my sweet boys who are growing so fast.  I’m going to throw on Ugg boots, save for my 50/50s and make time to be the creative person I am.

Hopefully I’ll be back with some updates on lately – like GETTING BACK TO RUNNING and my EARLY morning yoga/meditation sessions that I’m making a point to do.  I just want to tell everyone it is normal to feel sad, angry, anxious – but it is what you do to battle it.  Do you talk about it?  Do you find what makes you happy to get out of it?  Do you give yourself a break and write down all the things that you DO DO correctly?  It is one thing to hold yourself to high standards, it is another thing to be miserable in the handling of it.  Life should be challenging, but rewarding.  I always thing of it as 80/20 but I’m making a SOLID effort to making it 94/6 ;-)

You really must love the life you live, ya’ll. If you don’t, time to change it up.


Oh.  Snuggle a baby, love a dog. :D

Monday Thoughts 1.12


That’s the word of the day.  I’m totally conflicted.  Anxiety creeping in.  I expected this.  I knew that my 12 weeks of maternity leave would fly. I knew that it would be beyond bittersweet to return to work.  Sweet, because I do it so I can provide for my family and build my life beyond motherhood – it is what I need to do, for me. Bitter, for obvious reasons.  I LOVE being with my boys.  I truly do.  I love nursing my sweet baby boy, even though clogged ducts that make me fall ill (that’s what happened this weekend *sad face*).  I love living each moment with Evan, he is SO full of life.  He is smart, funny and just down right amazing.



Michael is thriving.  He is 13lbs 9oz (70% tile) and 24.5 inches long (90+% tile), he is so strong and beautiful.  I stare at him cry, on the rare occasion he does, just to be in awe of him. He does this lip quiver thing that I never want him to stop doing and I want to badly to capture in on video but have been unsuccessful.  He is a cuddler like his brother, he likes to be wrapped tight and close. He doesn’t spend much time in his rock n play or his swing – he is in my arms or in the Moby.  I just can’t get enough of him.

So many people told me there was no way I’d get so lucky with a sweet easy baby again.  That my second would be a terror.  Well they were all wrong, he is just as mellow and sweet as Evan was.  He is an excellent nurser and pretty good sleeper.  If I didn’t hate pregnancy so much I’d think about another.  Really, he is that sweet.  I love being a mother, and am sad I am not one who cannot enjoy pregnancy.  I really am sad about that.


Evan is also a mini monster. We weigh him and track his height in 2 months, I expect him to be pretty much off the charts.  He has had a major growth spurt, he is in 4T clothes and talks like a 4 year old. He can hold conversations and puts things together so much so it blows everyone away. People look at me crazy when I say he is almost two and half he has matured so much in the past two months it is really unreal – even early pictures of him and Michael show how he went from a toddler to a kid.  It makes me sad and proud.  Sad, because my newborn skipped so quickly to a baby and my toddler so quickly from a toddler to a child but proud because they are my boys, they are happy, healthy and beautiful.

Evan has adjusted to having Michael around so wonderfully I cannot believe it. It is something that no one around me can believe either.  As much as Hector’s personality makes me absolutely crazy sometimes, my children exhibit that true mellowness that has to be in their genes, in their makeup – so I’m learning to love Hector’s mellowness, it gave my kids a great disposition.

Now – don’t get me wrong, not everything is sunshine and daisies all the time.  Some days are tough, but most days are wonderfully balanced, except I find it hard to be away.  Even though making time for me is important. Yoga helps me keep that anxiety in check, my kids and yoga teach me to be present.  That is something I try to work on each day.  Being present, not giving myself a heart attack about 6 months, 2 years, 10 years from now.  Yes, my babies will grow – and yes, it breaks my heart they will not be babies forever – but they are babies now and I need to soak that all up.  My body will get there, my heart will get there, as long as I’m moving forward and taking it all in (and taking A BILLION pictures) in the meantime.

Like I said, I’m emotional. Emotional thinking this could be my last baby, my last time to enjoy so much time at home with my boys.  Emotional with gratitude. Emotional over so many things. I have to remind myself to keep breathing too because my boys are breathtaking. Simply breathtaking.

snuggle love

My Weekend – Insert Sadface & Last Weekend In Pictures (5/26)

This weekend was supposed to be really was awesome.  I woke up Saturday morning so happy I thought I could fly.  My husband had told me he was going to get Sunday off (Whaoo!!) and I was all set at 7 a.m. to get my day started with FARMER’S MARKET!  One of my all-time favorite places to go.  It is honestly such an awesome way to start the weekend. Fresh veggies, flowers… the works.  I was especially looking forward to grabbing some herbs and a strawberry plant for Evan’s very own lil garden (a couple pots this year! next year a whole little bed!! If we don’t get to it this year).  I called my mom and was off!  Had a great talk with the hubs and stepped out the front door at 7:30 sharp.

Then BAM! Major accident. I was walking down my front steps with my lulu bag and flip flops and hit an uneven piece of concrete and my loose ligaments in my right ankle gave way!  It was such a scary moment.  I knew immediately that my day was taking a dramatic turn and BOY did it HURT!  I immediately yelled out for Hector in short gasps “Hector. Help. Please hurry.”  It was honestly so terrifying.  Thank God he was home.  As someone who plays sports and has had aches, pains and sprains I knew I needed to get it up and iced as fast as possible.  The pain was so intense I thought I was going to pass out.  I got inside, asked Hector to get me some I ice and give me a phone, I needed to call my mom.  Naturally, I called my mom in tears, likely frightened her and thank God she lives like 3 minutes away because she was there in a flash because within minutes it looked like this:



A half hour later (with icing and elevating):



I was over the moon in pain. I never want to go to the hospital with things like this because I knew it wasn’t broken but my mom talked me into it.  I knew the doctor would tell me “It isn’t broken, ice, elevate and take Tylenol” (because I can’t take NSAIDs).  Still around 3’clock because the pain was at an 8 if it wasn’t elevated (and even then the throbbing was awful)… I broke down and went.

To Elmhurst ER we went haha.  They said it wasn’t broken, and to ice, elevate and take Tylenol.  They gave me a fancy aircast and crutches since I really couldn’t put any weight on it whatsoever.  The hardest part of this all was the fact that I had so much planned.  It is tough to watch my weekend fly by when I was literally daydreaming about long walks and sunkissed cheeks and instead I was elevated and icing.  My sweet son had a nice time with Grandma though!!



I spent my Saturday and Sunday pretty much in bed or on a couch because the minute my foot hit the floor major major pain.

Ah well.  Some weekends just don’t work out the way you planned.  Today it is still painful and turning a lovely shade of purple but I’m hobbling around and hope to be gently hobbling around tomorrow.  As this is my right leg with my crappy knee to begin with the hobbling will likely cause other strange pains so I’m trying to gently stretch in all ways that feel good and aren’t terribly painful.  I’m praying that this heals quickly because my almost two-year-old… as sweet as he is isn’t easy to keep up with on crutches or hobbling.

Here are some pictures of LAST weekend, the weekend I was looking to semi-recreate:

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Little Man Update – 1.5 Years *GASP*

My how time flies.  I know I say that every time I blog, but NOTHING could be more true.  Honestly before I know it WEEKS have gone by.

When Evan was first born we would count his weeks “Oh he is 5 weeks old” that turned into months “He is 4.5 months” which has now turned to half years “He is one and a half” *sobs*

He has grown so much and continues to blow me away with his knowledge.  He is full on bilingual.  He knows more Spanish and can go back and forth better then Hector can :)  It blows me away!  Typically we ask “More?” and he will say “mas, si” haha or we will say “Say thank you” and he will say “gracias” yesterday he did another phrase and I remember being so blown away because I just am so proud.   I’ve of course forgotten it, but will have to wrack my brain because it was a good one!!  He knows his first swear word in Spanish and I laugh so hard when he says it that I’m sure he will continue to say it more and more. Evan sings the birthday song, old McDonald, and takes stabs at everything else.  He knows all his objects, hats, socks, food, water (agua), toys, car, ipad, tv, shoes, boots (yep knows the difference), bed, bath, oso…. etc really the list is endless.  He knows people!  Points and everything Colie, Gamma (or Debbie!), Abue, Hector, Daddie, Josh (Tio, Tio, Tio), Naci (Nancy), JOE!, Joey, and of course Mama… haha <3  He is perfection.  He speaks in phrases, says everything in context and is just amazing.  Really how did I get so lucky?

As much as I loved squishy baby phase, I must say this independent toddler phase is a blast.  He is just so curious and funny and I love watching his personality.  I honestly just stare at him sometimes as if I cannot believe he is real, I cannot imagine my life without him and there is nowhere I’d rather be then with him.  I love how he laughs, and how boyish he is.  He is a little dare devil!  I want to soak up as much of it as I can! He makes me so happy, and proud (did I say that already?).

We had his 18 month checkup and it of course went very well (he needs a haircut, I know but I can’t bring myself to do it):

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27lbs 1oz (90th percentile for weight) 34.5 inches tall (98th percentile for height) – He is perfectly proportioned but definitely a big guy, and very strong.

Must be all the green drinks ;-)

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He is a great eater – not picky at all and has almost all his teeth, definitely a full mouth.

I’ve already started thinking about his 2nd birthday party (when I’ve yet to blog about his first one!  Which I will because it was AMAZING!):DSC_0054

I’m thinking paper airplanes or nautical themed.  We shall see… I went a little crazy last year and hope to scale back haha:

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Scary that I’m opening my brain to that once again.  We should probably just go on vacation instead :) lol.

I am so over the moon with my little guy.  Happy Half Birthday To You:



(thanks for still cuddling <3 )


Tears and Fears

I woke up yesterday with a chip on my shoulder, don’t ask why I just did.  I found myself being blue about a few things and then I heard the awful horrible news about the massacre in CT.

I’m sure everyone who has watched the news, read articles or is directly connected to this absolutely unbelievable act of violence are just beside themselves, I know I am.  Walking into our kitchen at work and seeing the headline on the TV stopped me dead in my tracks and I gasped for air as I read what had happened.  My mind still cannot escape the loss of lives, of little innocent children who should be spending today, a Saturday, at home with their parents too excited that Santa is coming to visit in such a short time.

My mom and I discussed how some parents were probably running around finishing up shopping, or wrapping gifts and hiding them, and to get that call or hear it on the news.  My eyes fill with tears at just the thought.  These parents who still cannot hold their children 20 families who have lost someone so young so innocent and six more who have lost a loved one in such a tragic way.  I heard the principal who passed had five children.  Five children, who do not have a mom.

As I held Evan last night and this morning I just cannot imagine the pain.  In fact, I loose breath at just the thought.  My prayers,  deepest condolences and thoughts go out to the families, friends and community in Newtown, CT.  God bless.



Four years ago I wrote this:

Realizes life is just too short. Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself “I can’t wait until this day is over!” It’s sad how we take life for granted until it’s over. What some people would give to get those wasted days back. Tomorrow I am going to take the time to breathe a little deeper, to watch the leaves fall from the trees, enjoy my cup of coffee for the taste and not the caffeine to keep me going, I am going to hug people just a little tighter to show them I really appreciate them being in my life and just to feel their touch, I am going to think twice about getting upset that a car cuts me off or that an Attorney at work is giving me too much work for one day, I am going to look at my textbooks a little longer and appreciate all the hard work it took to get them into my hands to be a tool to my future knowledge, I am going to listen intently when people speak because I’d wish they’d do the same for me… Don’t dwell on the past, and don’t live in the future, live for the now and today. Enjoy family, friends and what makes you happy. At the end of the day we don’t know what is going to happen the next so let’s just cherish every moment. Keep your head high… Truly live each day as it’s your last. Love too much, Listen intently, Laugh like you mean it, kiss with passion, and hug tightly…

Rest In Peace Lionel. :(

Lionel’s brother posted how today marked four years, and I felt breath literally leave my body.  Four years?  How did that happen?  How does life go on when you lose someone way too soon?  Evan gives me that want to live each day like it is our last.  To enjoy every second, even the sucky ones where he is crying and you can’t seem to comfort him quickly enough.  Then I think about Lionel, and how his son is four years older.  Without his father and my heart breaks.  It is that whole, “life isn’t fair” thing that runs through my head.  Everyone has these stores of lives ended too early.  A dear friend of mine wrote me earlier about a loss in her family (maybe not blood, but my definition of family exceeds those blood lines, just ask my friends… I’d do anything for them) and again my heart feels heavy.  I don’t know that family, but I know my friend.  I know her heart is heavy and pained and I just want to take it all away.

One thing I’m terrible with is loss, I simply cannot cope.  Even when all else around you continues, I feel like those moments are the only moments that last forever.  A heavy heavy heart, mourning, missing.

So friends, with a heavy heart I remind you to drink your coffee.  Cuddle with loved ones.  Let your baby drool all over your face and pull your hair ;-) (Evan’s favorites lately).  Just when you think you have enough cuddles for the day… Cuddle some more.  Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.  Appreciate, breathe and soak it in.  Today truly is a blessing.  Even when you are at work staring at what you are doing saying “ugh, where IS 5:00” (or the equivalent) remember this is your life and 5:00 will come and it will go but those wasted minutes… we never get back.

Stay positive people.

And for all our lost loved ones.  We miss you, we celebrate your life, but we miss your tangible presence.  <3

Home really is where your heart is.

In my life I have been lucky enough to always have a “home” or really move somewhere and lay roots.  My childhood was filled with fond memories of our home as children.  We had it all – a huge backyard, with an awesome swing set, a huge pool, massive parties (a couple wedding parities, seriously) and so many memories… great memories.

My twin brother, Joey. Little sister, Nicole and the best dog in the world, Rocco (our family German Shepard – Oso has HUGE paws to fill)

When I was in 5th grade we moved to my grandma’s building, a two flat in the city.  A huge difference from our first home.  We stayed here until I we were done with grammar school.  Again, we made roots, tons of friends and enjoyed lots of family company… It was the hub. We loved it.  We got to know our grandparents so well – a gift that cannot be replaced by anything.

Greatest Grandparents Ever (2008) – Grandpa is grunting at this photo from heaven. <3

Then my mom bought a house back near our first neighborhood.  Just in time for Joey and I to go to high school.  Another place that I will forever call home.  My mom still lives there, but so do I practically.  Our high school years were packed, basketball games, club activities, friends… More activities, you know how teenage years go.  This is also where I met my husband, the place where we had our baby shower, the area I trained for my first marathon, and where we plan to buy our first home.  My mom hates her home, but if I could afford to buy it, it’d be mine.  ;-)

Then I moved in with my future husband.  I was pretty young, but I’d like to think I made good decisions back then (and still do, I mean we are married, aren’t we?) and for the first time in HIS life, we stayed put.  In the first couple years of Hector and I dating he moved like five times in two years.  This was such a crazy concept to me, I simply didn’t understand the jump around.  They stayed in the same area but never lived in one place for very long.  So he had never really felt connected to a certain place, until he moved into his first apartment.  He lived there for a while, then I moved in and we stayed put for four years.  That was his first home, until life came full circle, my grandfather passed away and we moved back to my grandma’s building (a second go for me).  We have lived here for three years already.  It is home, but it isn’t our dream place or space.  But this place was our first move together, just him and I.  We got engaged here, adopted a puppy, got married and had a baby here.  Why am I talking about this?  Because it is a very real possibly we won’t be here too much longer.

Yesterday I spent the day here with my little man, and I’ve never felt so attached.  I grew up in this home, and my son was born here.  This will be his first home, which he will never remember but I will remember the first day home with him, forever.  Bringing him upstairs, placing his carseat on the floor and taking him out.  Being so exhausted that we cuddled up on the couch and fell asleep.

So although this isn’t our dream home, it is home.  I’m already sad at the thought of leaving with all the memories we packed here in such a short time.  Although moving isn’t for sure just yet, it really isn’t too far away.

I sorta want to hug the walls.  They have kept my baby safe and warm <3