My Weekend – Insert Sadface & Last Weekend In Pictures (5/26)

This weekend was supposed to be really was awesome.  I woke up Saturday morning so happy I thought I could fly.  My husband had told me he was going to get Sunday off (Whaoo!!) and I was all set at 7 a.m. to get my day started with FARMER’S MARKET!  One of my all-time favorite places to go.  It is honestly such an awesome way to start the weekend. Fresh veggies, flowers… the works.  I was especially looking forward to grabbing some herbs and a strawberry plant for Evan’s very own lil garden (a couple pots this year! next year a whole little bed!! If we don’t get to it this year).  I called my mom and was off!  Had a great talk with the hubs and stepped out the front door at 7:30 sharp.

Then BAM! Major accident. I was walking down my front steps with my lulu bag and flip flops and hit an uneven piece of concrete and my loose ligaments in my right ankle gave way!  It was such a scary moment.  I knew immediately that my day was taking a dramatic turn and BOY did it HURT!  I immediately yelled out for Hector in short gasps “Hector. Help. Please hurry.”  It was honestly so terrifying.  Thank God he was home.  As someone who plays sports and has had aches, pains and sprains I knew I needed to get it up and iced as fast as possible.  The pain was so intense I thought I was going to pass out.  I got inside, asked Hector to get me some I ice and give me a phone, I needed to call my mom.  Naturally, I called my mom in tears, likely frightened her and thank God she lives like 3 minutes away because she was there in a flash because within minutes it looked like this:

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A half hour later (with icing and elevating):

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I was over the moon in pain. I never want to go to the hospital with things like this because I knew it wasn’t broken but my mom talked me into it.  I knew the doctor would tell me “It isn’t broken, ice, elevate and take Tylenol” (because I can’t take NSAIDs).  Still around 3’clock because the pain was at an 8 if it wasn’t elevated (and even then the throbbing was awful)… I broke down and went.

To Elmhurst ER we went haha.  They said it wasn’t broken, and to ice, elevate and take Tylenol.  They gave me a fancy aircast and crutches since I really couldn’t put any weight on it whatsoever.  The hardest part of this all was the fact that I had so much planned.  It is tough to watch my weekend fly by when I was literally daydreaming about long walks and sunkissed cheeks and instead I was elevated and icing.  My sweet son had a nice time with Grandma though!!

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I spent my Saturday and Sunday pretty much in bed or on a couch because the minute my foot hit the floor major major pain.

Ah well.  Some weekends just don’t work out the way you planned.  Today it is still painful and turning a lovely shade of purple but I’m hobbling around and hope to be gently hobbling around tomorrow.  As this is my right leg with my crappy knee to begin with the hobbling will likely cause other strange pains so I’m trying to gently stretch in all ways that feel good and aren’t terribly painful.  I’m praying that this heals quickly because my almost two-year-old… as sweet as he is isn’t easy to keep up with on crutches or hobbling.

Here are some pictures of LAST weekend, the weekend I was looking to semi-recreate:

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My Deepest Fear

So now that life for us just seems to move full speed, everyday.  Once a day I try to center myself and meditate.  However, finding the time to take care of myself has become increasingly difficult.  I love my new job, but the hours are absolutely longer then my previous (when you include commute) and its hard to adjust to getting everything done.  Luckily, last weekend something awesome happened – day light savings time.   Light and warmth gives me so much more energy then cloudy cold days, which is strange because if you would have asked me that question a year and a half ago it would have been quiet the opposite.  I loved those days because those days I would spend HOURS in the gym, taking my time, learning new ways to be fit.  Now, however… not so much.  I’d rather cuddle with my baby who I haven’t seen all day.

With that said.

Yesterday evening I ran to Target (the place that consumes 80% of my paycheck) alone, no baby, no Hector, not even the radio.  Because my niece was sleeping over (we were celebrating her 7TH! Birthday!!) and I couldn’t stand the idea of her wearing regular clothes to bed. So off to target I went ;-)

aliyah bdaySee my brother in the background thinking “dear God, she is 7!?!”

Anyway, I’ve notice I do a lot of thinking in the car and since I take the train to my new job I concentrate on things like my Amazon app or my new favorite books (I’m reading Relic, per my best friend and still trying to get through the Lost Symbol -something crazy happened in it and through my devastation I haven’t picked it up in about a week) and not so much on what is going on in life.  Back to topic, so I was thinking on my way home on how when you become a parent how things change.  How your mindset changes, how things that were so important to you are not as important or how things you feared at one time you do not fear as much.  Or when you were more concerned about your St. Patrick’s day outfit, not your niece’s pajamas.  Even though Hector, Joey and I were planning on going out for a drink for St. Patrick’s day (which, naturally at the last minute I bailed and said I’d watch Aliyah and Evan – we all laid in bed together and watched a movie – a really great evening in my opinion right now, because that is where I am right now – momma mode).

Then I thought about Evan.  A sudden panic came to me, deep deep deep in my soul.

babies

These days, he is simply blissful about 98% of the time.  He really hasn’t experienced hurt yet, besides banging his head into walls, slipping and slightly face planting, you know, the normal physical ouchies that come with becoming mobile (I’ve learned as a parent, you can’t stop every slip but I still dart after him like a bat out of hell).  That isn’t the pain I’m taking about anyway, barring SERIOUS SERIOUS injuries… Children fall, scrape knees and elbows… but they heal and the only thing that ever lingers are skin scars that have (sometimes) cool/funny/scary but good ending stories to them.  But then, I thought of the hurt he can possibly face in the future like:

Being made fun of
Fear, real true fear…
Real bad guys, that he may encounter when I’m not with him
Heartache
Failure
Disappointment
Embarrassment
Awkward years

The things above can’t usually be fixed with a gentle hug, a cool bandaid, and an “shh shh, it is ok my little love, mommy is here”

Up until now, a lot of mother things have come very natural to me.  But I realized that the really challenging motherhood hasn’t really started yet.  Last night, Evan was exhausted and I had to change him before bed, when I took him out of my arms and placed him on the changing table he started to cry, not that cry that is an annoyed cry but a cry with tears like “mommy don’t leave me” tears and my heart simply broke, how will I ever gain the strength to deal with those emotional moments in his life when he needs me to be his rock?  It may come someday, but in all my life I have never feared anything more then fearing not being a good parent who can take away all his pain (I know, impossible) but I’m the one who cries at TV shows when a fake character dies, or becomes heartbroken… Evan is my son, so if I get sad when I see a little boy’s fear on TV or when I hear about tragedies in families – how will I deal with it with Evan?  His pain is my pain.  

My best friend’s grandfather past away last weekend.  I remember reading about it and feeling that physical ache of loss, I didn’t know him but I love my friend and remember that heartache of loss and I hurt for her.  I remember when it happened to me there was nothing anyone could say or do to relieve the pain, but I remember the support of friends and family was helpful but that pain is still there.  Even thinking back on the happy moments with loved ones that have passed is painful.  To this day I can’t think about my grandpa without tears coming to my eyes.  Which further instills fear in me, because I don’t want my best friend to deal with that, let alone my little Evan the thought of him feeling like that is almost crippling to me… I know it is unavoidable but I still really don’t know how I will deal with it.  I guess it is lucky for me that he won’t realize this pain for some time (hopefully!!) and I will learn on ways to manage.

When Evan was first born people told me it would be hard, most told me it would be worth it but that it would be challenging… Thus far, it really hasn’t been challenging but all of the above… that will be very challenging for me.   All people are different but this is what is going to be challenging… for sure… without a doubt.

There is no real reason to this post then to share my fear, my deepest fear.  To write it down so it will hopefully sting a little less once an a while.

With all this said… Hug you friends, your family, your animals and your children a little tighter.  Try to enjoy everything, because, honestly, life is too short to be anything but happy.  There is enough pain in this world, and I know stress, pain, and the feeling of loss is relative, it changes from person to person – same way as happiness but I know at least for me… I want to focus on the happy and process, appreciate and let go of the fear an frustration in the most expedited way possible.  For me… This helps:

mylillove