So now that life for us just seems to move full speed, everyday. Once a day I try to center myself and meditate. However, finding the time to take care of myself has become increasingly difficult. I love my new job, but the hours are absolutely longer then my previous (when you include commute) and its hard to adjust to getting everything done. Luckily, last weekend something awesome happened – day light savings time. Light and warmth gives me so much more energy then cloudy cold days, which is strange because if you would have asked me that question a year and a half ago it would have been quiet the opposite. I loved those days because those days I would spend HOURS in the gym, taking my time, learning new ways to be fit. Now, however… not so much. I’d rather cuddle with my baby who I haven’t seen all day.
With that said.
Yesterday evening I ran to Target (the place that consumes 80% of my paycheck) alone, no baby, no Hector, not even the radio. Because my niece was sleeping over (we were celebrating her 7TH! Birthday!!) and I couldn’t stand the idea of her wearing regular clothes to bed. So off to target I went ;-)
See my brother in the background thinking “dear God, she is 7!?!”
Anyway, I’ve notice I do a lot of thinking in the car and since I take the train to my new job I concentrate on things like my Amazon app or my new favorite books (I’m reading Relic, per my best friend and still trying to get through the Lost Symbol -something crazy happened in it and through my devastation I haven’t picked it up in about a week) and not so much on what is going on in life. Back to topic, so I was thinking on my way home on how when you become a parent how things change. How your mindset changes, how things that were so important to you are not as important or how things you feared at one time you do not fear as much. Or when you were more concerned about your St. Patrick’s day outfit, not your niece’s pajamas. Even though Hector, Joey and I were planning on going out for a drink for St. Patrick’s day (which, naturally at the last minute I bailed and said I’d watch Aliyah and Evan – we all laid in bed together and watched a movie – a really great evening in my opinion right now, because that is where I am right now – momma mode).
Then I thought about Evan. A sudden panic came to me, deep deep deep in my soul.
These days, he is simply blissful about 98% of the time. He really hasn’t experienced hurt yet, besides banging his head into walls, slipping and slightly face planting, you know, the normal physical ouchies that come with becoming mobile (I’ve learned as a parent, you can’t stop every slip but I still dart after him like a bat out of hell). That isn’t the pain I’m taking about anyway, barring SERIOUS SERIOUS injuries… Children fall, scrape knees and elbows… but they heal and the only thing that ever lingers are skin scars that have (sometimes) cool/funny/scary but good ending stories to them. But then, I thought of the hurt he can possibly face in the future like:
Being made fun of
Fear, real true fear…
Real bad guys, that he may encounter when I’m not with him
The things above can’t usually be fixed with a gentle hug, a cool bandaid, and an “shh shh, it is ok my little love, mommy is here”
Up until now, a lot of mother things have come very natural to me. But I realized that the really challenging motherhood hasn’t really started yet. Last night, Evan was exhausted and I had to change him before bed, when I took him out of my arms and placed him on the changing table he started to cry, not that cry that is an annoyed cry but a cry with tears like “mommy don’t leave me” tears and my heart simply broke, how will I ever gain the strength to deal with those emotional moments in his life when he needs me to be his rock? It may come someday, but in all my life I have never feared anything more then fearing not being a good parent who can take away all his pain (I know, impossible) but I’m the one who cries at TV shows when a fake character dies, or becomes heartbroken… Evan is my son, so if I get sad when I see a little boy’s fear on TV or when I hear about tragedies in families – how will I deal with it with Evan? His pain is my pain.
My best friend’s grandfather past away last weekend. I remember reading about it and feeling that physical ache of loss, I didn’t know him but I love my friend and remember that heartache of loss and I hurt for her. I remember when it happened to me there was nothing anyone could say or do to relieve the pain, but I remember the support of friends and family was helpful but that pain is still there. Even thinking back on the happy moments with loved ones that have passed is painful. To this day I can’t think about my grandpa without tears coming to my eyes. Which further instills fear in me, because I don’t want my best friend to deal with that, let alone my little Evan the thought of him feeling like that is almost crippling to me… I know it is unavoidable but I still really don’t know how I will deal with it. I guess it is lucky for me that he won’t realize this pain for some time (hopefully!!) and I will learn on ways to manage.
When Evan was first born people told me it would be hard, most told me it would be worth it but that it would be challenging… Thus far, it really hasn’t been challenging but all of the above… that will be very challenging for me. All people are different but this is what is going to be challenging… for sure… without a doubt.
There is no real reason to this post then to share my fear, my deepest fear. To write it down so it will hopefully sting a little less once an a while.
With all this said… Hug you friends, your family, your animals and your children a little tighter. Try to enjoy everything, because, honestly, life is too short to be anything but happy. There is enough pain in this world, and I know stress, pain, and the feeling of loss is relative, it changes from person to person – same way as happiness but I know at least for me… I want to focus on the happy and process, appreciate and let go of the fear an frustration in the most expedited way possible. For me… This helps: