Holiday Prep

Hello friends.

Yesterday was a very lazy day here at the Villas. I was NOT feeling well.  I think I really over-did it this weekend and on Monday so yesterday I was barely able to lift a finger.  We had a lot of bedsharing cuddles.  Way too much TV and easy eats. Reminded me I really need to go shopping but I’m hoping to make it through today without a trip.  Yesterday I read that american families and restaurants throw out on average 40% of the groceries they buy.  THAT’S NUTS – you may as well through money out the window.  I know we are guilty of throwing away a lot of food, so to combat that I try to – meal plan, and buy little amounts, often. Still there is always some waste. Anyhow, to help our crazy grocery budget, I really plan on being more conscience of the amount of food I buy – it is so terribly wasteful to throw all that away. *sad trombone*

Anywho – Today I’m feeling a bit better and am hoping today is a better day as far as being productive.  I’ve spent a good amount of time on Pinterest making lists of things to do with Evan, and planning for Thanksgiving.  Last year was awesome.  My table was beautiful, food was great and my grandma was here:

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I’m so sad Gma won’t be here this year, but Michael will be and our family has lots and lots to celebrate this year.  So I plan on doing just as much this year – with Evan’s help and Michael wrapped close to my chest in the Moby.  Last year I literally made my own butter and fresh whipped cream for pies.  I’m telling you – all out we went. It was glorious.

This year’s menu is not finalized but I think it will go a little something like this:

Apps:

  • Assorted cheeses & garlic roasted mushrooms
  • Fresh seasonal fruit

Dinner:

  • Turkey (I would love to try a fried turkey, but we are going old-school roasted, Hector-Style)
  • Roasted pork shoulder (Another Hector dish)
  • Roasted Veggies (Last year’s were awesome)
  • Pomegranate-cranberry sauce (omg… to die for)
  • Sweet Potatoes (May ask mom to make her usual)
  • Steamed green beans
  • Asparagus and a hollandaise sauce (family tradition)
  • Pierogis (from Gene’s deli)
  • Fresh seasonal salad (I’m thinking cranberry walnut?)

Desert:

  • Pumpkin Pie!
  • Apple Pie (Hector would never let us not have this)
  • Spice cake (another Mom request, maybe ;-) )
  • Turkey Cupcakes (mom and Evan creations!)

You’d think I was cooking for an army but I’m cooking for maybe 8 people lol.  The sides might get mixed up a bit again, I’ve pinned a few recipes I might try so instead but at least we are thinking a head this year.  I’ll have to grab some fresh flowers but I really can’t wait to pull out grandma’s old china and silver-ware again.  Also!  Looks like we did pull out some Christmas stuff for last year so I think I’ll have Hector pull some out tomorrow and we can have hot-coco and decorate, slowly.

Evan is excited about Christmas, I am shocked there aren’t too many Christmasy movies on TV for him to watch.  I’m going to have to dust of The Santa Clause, my all time favorite, I cannot wait to share it with him!  Something else we are looking to do this year?  A few “Night before Christmas” boxes!  I read this article and was so excited to try it with Evan and Michael!  I plan on making it a holiday tradition – what a great way to get some of the Christmas jitters out and I think it is awesome to snuggle and watch a movie with the boys likely in matching pajamas! I will be soaking up these holidays like crazy because next year when I’m back at work – it will be mayhem to fit everything in – so I’m enjoying the time of year with my two sweet love bugs:

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I’m sure this will be the first of many “what we are doing for the holidays” posts. Any traditions you have for thanksgiving?  Do you host?  I’m excited!

 

 

Recovery.

Good morning.  It’s funny how my mornings simultaneously start earlier and later than usual.  I get a morning wake up call from my favorite little nugget consistently around 3:30 am, and change, nurse and snuggle till about 4:00 – back to sleep until about 7 – then up and at it as soon as possible thereafter.  Which is a really late start for me, I’m used to waking up around 5:00-5:30 but these days I also go to bed much later around11:30 opposed to like 10 the latest.  Sleep is important, and rest is important when you are recovering even though I feel pretty good, when I over do something, I know it.  We are head-over-heels in love with this little dude:

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He is just a little angel.  Very much like Evan.  It’s funny, and I know time can change things.  But everyone told me “good luck with number two, he will be crazy, unlike Evan.”  I got this from all angles, but in my head I just kept positive.  If I had a fussy baby, so be it.  But once again I have a mellow one, just like daddy Hector.  That doesn’t mean my days aren’t crazy though.  Between him and Evan, I’m busy.  I started this post over two days ago, it could take me all day to write – may never even get published.  Two days ago when I started this post I – put the baby who started it with me nursing on the boppy into the rock and play went to touch his sweet sleeping face just to find him spitting up at that exact second.  So naturally I dropped whatever I was doing and fixed that.  Then my super sweet two year old woke up… He is now happily playing with legos in his room.  Then I got side tracked and meant to hop back on here several times, but just never happened.

Like I said, we are recovering.  We are finding our new groove, days are flying by and due to the weather I haven’t left the house too much.  My babies have lots of warm fuzzy things but I can’t find any of my winter stuff, naturally.  Side note, it is weird looking at the two carseats in the back seat.

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Physically I feel pretty good.  Everyday I daydream about yoga postures, the treadmill, lifting, and putting on a dvd.  Each day though I sit down and things still hurt so I say – better hold off.  It’s HARD but I just snuggle the little one or the big one and get lost in a book or recording on the DVR. I never get through a whole show, I think I’ve watched shows about 5 times and still not absorbed what happened.  Everyone around me will agree – I am a baby hoarder.  Sorry I’m not sorry, I cooked him, Evan got lots of snuggles, so this one will too (yesterday I WORE JEANS!! They fit!  A bit snug, but ah that’s ok by me for now – today is round two if I can find the dark ones I want to wear or lulu wunder unders it is).

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Today we have a bunch of things to accomplish.  Groceries, Thanksgiving planning, and cuddling.  Thanksgiving this year should be great, we have so much to be thankful for.  I think my house might be decked out in Christmas gear by then.  The snow and cold has me fast forwarding the season from browns and oranges to reds and greens.

I was chatting with Hector yesterday.  We were listening to an awesome Pandora station and I was dancing with the baby because Evan was with Grandma Debbie (he is getting so spoiled over there!) and I felt so full, happy, content.  It was a wonderful feeling – it’s been a very long time since I felt like that.  Confident, happy, content – unbelievably grateful.  I was MEANT to be a mom.  I know what I’m doing, especially this time around.  With Evan, I felt great but with this one, I know I can juggle both Evan and baby.  I’m sure there will be hard days, but right now – I know this is EXACTLY where we should be.  I’m so filled by that thought.  I’m so happy.  I don’t care if I get the stink eye from someone who thinks they know what is best for my baby or family – because I DO know what is best for them.  Judgey mom wars, really won’t bother me at all – in fact I’ll stray away from that talk – I’m surrounded by supportive moms and family, and friends – that’s all I need.  These boys:

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Like I said.  Recovery.  Mentally, physically, emotionally.  Each day is getting a bit better – this year will end on a high note.

Love – the Villas

 

One Week Brain Dump

Greetings from the home of our family of four humans, one fur big baby, and several fishies.  Yesterday my littlest love turned one week old.

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(2-3 days?)

He is such a good baby – reminds me of this not so little to me anymore guy:

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Thanks to Ms. Shannon, he is all about pictures – “Momma, take my picture!!”  my response GLADLY!!! He’s a lot more difficult to take pictures of these days because he is a always on the go dude… I hope to get some good pictures today – but who knows I have a lot of personalities I’m surrounded by and not all of them can help me keep people still for my camera with no focus ;-) – would it be totally wrong to get one an take it back? hahahahaha.

How things have changed so far:  no more belly!  I’m jiggly everywhere but I just keep reminding myself I’m only a week out.  I started gentle yoga stretches to help with my sleepy body aches.  Sleep is the same, not happening too much :) – but I just try to get to bed earlier and stay in later until I’m fully healed.  Juggling.  Hardest part so far is having two who have needs that need to be met right away.  With Evan he wasn’t allowed to cry for a millisecond.  With this one, if I’m doing something for Evan, I need to finish that first so he cries for a few seconds.  Although Evan is understanding a bit more each day that when the baby cries I have to feed him.  I know we will find more balance as time goes on.  I’m currently trying to think of in house projects to do with Evan to get his energy out when the weather is so sucky.  My mom suggested a few things – I need to stock up on some tools – luckily he really does like the high chair so I think I can get him to do some projects from the safety of his chair vs what I envision as markers on my wall.  I’m not just yet ready to tackle the store all by myself in the cold – maybe tomorrow, if only to walk around and let Evan look at stuff.  My current goal is to get him on a better schedule. Which means wake up at a consistent time, nap at a consistent time, and a consistent bed-time routine – with new baby excitement, time change and various other things, he has been tossed around a bit to much and needs the stability back.  Today our plans are to give him an early bath because i think more of his breakfast is ON him at the current moment then in his belly – followed by more photos, nursing, cleaning and cuddling.

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Adios for now from the Villas – Let’s hope I can get the “birth story” up today – I can’t seem to get everything together (multiple cameras, a notebook with times, myself and two happy babies *fingers crossed* the stars align at naptime).

 

Complete.

We are home, safe, warm and hearts full – because look who has arrived:

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Michael Alexander Villa (#MAV) has hopped his way into our hearts.  Melted my soul and has taken my breath away just about every second I look at him.  Evan is an outstanding, loving, caring, kind, excited big brother and we are just quiet blissful and thankful right now.

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Labor was great, and I can’t wait to share the [short] birth story with everyone *hopefully* later today – while it is still fresh in my brain. But I’m feeling quiet good – a bit sore and VERY VERY CRAMPY – geez!  They warned me cramping would be worse the 2nd time (and even worse with each consecutive pregnancy) but WOWZA!  Just when I think I feel good I still get hit with a fresh set of the cramps and man do they curl my toes!

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it 100x more, the support around us has been tremendous.  My friends have been just the best, and my family too – checking in, sending love and just being so amazing.  Life is good.  I’m sharing some snuggles and need to grab something to eat (nursing really makes me HUNGRY) haha – so I’m off to do that and hopefully can pop back on with some details on the little dude.

For now – sending love and light to everyone.  God bless, chat soon.

Love,

Mommy and Michael (cuddled so perfectly on my chest)

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November 5, 2014 – Arrival of Mr. Michael Alexander

So I started writing this the morning of – and am just getting around to finishing it up!

Good morning/noon/night – from November 5th, 2014.

This  morning started off early.  Me tossing and turning in bed, the impending “induction time” quickly approaching. I remember telling a friend on Facebook “Happy [half hour before your] Birthday” at around 11:25p.m. and then shutting down.  I had been on my Amazon app seeing if there was any last minute items I wanted to order – anything that the baby needs, I need, Evan needs.  I also text messaged my mom – something along the lines, “Hector is snoring, that is so unfair” – lol.

I woke up around 2:30, went to the bathroom, woke up around 4, 5 and finally rolled out of bed about 5:20.  I had showered the night before so I just did a normal get ready routine, ate a banana and thought to myself “I hope they consider this a light breakfast” – clearly I know better but also clearly, I don’t have too much of an appetite and I haven’t gone shopping – shame. on. me. (reminds me I should probably make someone a list to grab a few things for us lol).  Evan is still peacefully sleeping and I cannot help but stare at his perfect little face.  We cuddled all night long, our last night at home as a family of 3.

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I’d nudged Hector about 100x asking him to get up.  Hector isn’t the most prompt person on the planet.  Makes me nuts.  But finally he got up, got dressed and we waited for Grandma Debbie.  She decided to stop by and hang with Evan while he was sleeping so we didn’t have to wake him up, get him dressed and get a crabby 2 year old in the car.  Grandma Debbie rules. Before I knew it I was scrambling to make sure we had everything we needed.  And we were off.  This whole time I had some cramping and light spotting (like every morning for the past two weeks).  I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t tell anyone about it because of all my “false alarms” – I even deleted the contraction app I downloaded and I’m so glad I didn’t upgrade it.  I remember being in the car so annoyed because I felt like we were going to be really late.  How come I didn’t account for traffic on Wednesday morning?  While on the expressway I was still noticing contractions.  Nothing crazy, just a bit painful.  We finally arrived at the hospital. As Hector looked for parking, somehow annoying me – I just wanted to get upstairs as we were already late.

The nice thing about our hospital is it is so laid back, Hector and I bantered back and forth, as we always do and I was walking with my heavy bag (naturally) and walking through contractions.  We get up stairs and admitted walked in around 7:10 (10 minutes late).  They inform me of the usual, have me sign a couple of forms, and walk us to room 5, the same room I delivered Evan in!  We walked in and were greeted by two nurses:

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Our head nurse was Dawn, a sweet lady who had clearly been there a while.  And Ivette, who was doing a rotation on the floor and was clearly new.  So Dawn (same nurse that admitted me with Evan!) was talking her through everything she was doing and having her perform everything (IV, blood, etc.) – at first I was slightly annoyed that there was a student but she was so sweet that quickly faded.  Both nurses were great. I informed them I was having contractions that morning and they saw them clearly on the monitor.  Ivette had never seen a birth from start to finish as babies were highly unpredictable so she had saw bits and pieces but was hoping for a beginning to end experience, so she pretty much begged me to have the baby before 7 p.m., and I told her “that’s the plan!” (I couldn’t imagine having to be in labor for 10+ hours but knew with an induction that could be very possible outcome). Even with my regular contractions they still set it up as an induction so I was given a very small dose of pitocin because they knew from my appointment on Monday, that I was already 3.5CM dilated and likely further a long as I was getting regular contractions (I scoffed at this…lol).  After all the admin stuff and IVs it was about 8 a.m. and Dr. San Juan walked in to check me.  He told us “she is 4+ and ‘very breakable’” – so he broke my water and said that would speed things up.  He also said I could have an epidural if I wanted one – to which I quickly replied – Yep! please. I knew if my friends Nicole and Joanna said that around 8cm it is unbearable pain, I’d rather not get there… lol.  Dr. San Juan noticed how low my pit. drip was and said to the nurse “up it every 15 minutes” – Dawn said “honey, I won’t do that to you until you have the epidural, these doctors.” – Clearly I appreciated this, she was hoping I didn’t have to be in crazy pain if I didn’t have to be.   PS with Evan, when they broke my water I didn’t feel anything, this time super gross as I felt gushes at every contraction lol.

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So it was now about 8:40, my nurses had given me fluids but also came in and said that there was a c-section planned at 9 a.m. and that I’d likely have to wait for the epidural because the doctor on call would have to be there for the c-section.  She then checked my contractions and they were super close together (I clearly noticed this) – I could handle that if they would get me up and let me move around but sitting in bed wasn’t pleasant and they were getting stronger and closer together really really quickly.  10 minutes later she walked in and said that she was going to see if the anestesologist  could come in before the c-section because she thought it might be too late to get it if I had to wait much longer.  Nurse DAWN  to the rescue! lol  Shortly after Dr. Whitcom popped in and administered the epidural.  He was fantastic and Hector got to hold me <3.  I also noticed that JUST LIKE Evan, as I sat there, contractions REALLY hurt.  The 60 seconds of rest were nice and I felt good but then a really good contraction would set in and I found it hard to sit still. So just like Evan I was getting the Epi just in time.  So by 9:30 the epidural was done.  The relief you feel is so strange and I sat there while he monitored all the vitals for about 15 minutes, I felt really relaxed, almost too relaxed.  I just breathed through it, something about going through this the second time – I knew this was temporary uncomfortableness that would pass – and it did.  The doctor told me about getting more with the help of a fancy button, that just like Evan – I never had to press and told the nurse NOT to press for me lol.   Dawn had set up to go to that before mentioned c-section and that left me with nurse Ivette, for some reason that section kept getting pushed (can you imagine being that mom?) – I remember nurse Ivette walking in looking slightly nervous sorta like “wait, don’t have this baby YET!” lol  - I was perfectly comfortable paying attention to my guests (my mom dad and Evan had walked in JUST after the epidural).

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Things progressed so quickly after the epidural.  Nurse Dawn came in asking me if I felt pressure around 10:15 and said she was going to check me because at every contraction the baby was saying “my head is being squished” and because of the Epi I didn’t mind lol.  So Her and Ivette took turns and Ivette said I would say she is about 8, nurse Dawn corrected and said 7-8 and here is why – I felt like I was learning with Ivette, haha. I couldn’t believe that from 8-10:20 I had gone from 4 to 7-8 and she turned down my pitocin.  The nurses left quickly again, I chatted with my parents and Hector and 20 minutes later my nurses walked in asking if I was feeling pressure because she was noticing the pattern of my contractions and his slowed heart were more frequent.  So at 10:39 (Hector took notes for me!) I was 8-9 almost complete with just a small lip/GAP left.  Nurse Ivette kept telling me – wow the baby is right there! Like right there!  Nurse Dawn never did make it to the c-section haha.  They called Dr. San Juan and asked my parents to leave – and we were going to try a test push to see where my numbness was (as I hadn’t gotten the epi too long before this).  Everyone was really surprised at how quickly this all went. I didn’t even feel like I had been there an hour.  Dr. San Juan walked in around 11:15 a.m. and really quickly got dressed, moved the bottom of the bed and they basically said he’d be here soon.  After two big pushes and a few smaller ones (Dr. San Juan asked for smaller ones), Mr. Michael was on my chest at 11:32 a.m. just 4ish hours after WALKING into the hospital and 3ish hours after being hooked up to IVs and such.

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Michael Alexander – Born 11:32 a.m. 7 lbs 10 oz 19 inches – 7/5/2014

I told them I wanted plenty of skin to skin time so baby was put immediately on my chest and I just held him for about an hour, he nursed and it was perfection as Dr. San Juan stitched me up – got a 2nd degree tear because just like his bro he came out with a fist in his face (I wonder how common this is!).  I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotion.  The nice thing about this time around was they didn’t rush me out of the room like with Evan.  They left Hector, baby and I pretty much alone (short check ins) to bond with the new baby.  Hector even got a bit emotional – out of nowhere it was a surreal moment.  Super special.

Then Nicole, Mom, Dad and big brother Evan came to visit:

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I gave baby to daddy and co. for a short time so that moment could happen. It was so perfect to watch.  My sister snapped a couple sweet pictures of the newbie and us:

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It was a perfect morning.  Followed by a beautiful afternoon with the newest member of our family.  Nurse Ivette was so happy she got her start to finish “perfect” birth – and I felt overwhelmed that I had such a wonderful experience once again.  I’ve been so lucky. Even though I’ve had to wait until 41 weeks with both my boys, the induction experiences for me have been flawless. Maybe I shouldn’t chance it a 3rd time. lol

They slowly moved us to our postpartum room with a view.

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My crazy prompt parents sent flowers (sunflowers remind us of Grandma who we miss dearly <3) and brought beautiful balloons:

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Where we cuddled and admired, perfect baby feet, new relationships and my sweet baby Michael A.:

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Our beautiful new baby boy.  It was a quiet night – Auntie Joanna came by, my parents came back with some dinner and then we were all alone for a night of skin to skin, lots of snoring (Hector), no sleep (for me, I hate hospitals), and LOTS of cramping and “bottom” soreness. lol  I did make my request quiet clear – I wanted out ASAP – and they obliged as long as everyone looked good – and we did.  So 24 hours later we were setting up to get home:

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I wanted to see Evan SO BAD.  I missed him so much – what felt like forever… We were finally on our way.

Here is the reaction when I saw Evan:

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I kid you not, tears in my eyes. He looked so huge, but was so happy to see us <3

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We visited shortly with grandma and grandpa, and then they left us.  Oso behaved beautifully and after all the excitement – we all settled down to cuddle in bed:

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I got some more skin to skin time with my little:

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Look how hairy!! <3

So there it is the story of our newest addition. <3

Love the VILLAS! (Baby stirring Evan about to watch Fire & Rescue) – My life is so sweet right now.

 

 

What I’m Looking Forward To

After my previous EMO post, I thought I’d share some things I’m looking forward to post pregnancy (because it WILL end ha):

  • Bending over.  I am a yogi, I’m flexible, I touch  my toes, stretch and do all that good spine stuff that is just so difficult to do with a huge basketball in your belly.
  • Comfortably picking up Evan.  Right now I pick him up and settle his legs on each side of my massive bump.  Yes even a day shy of 41 weeks – I still pick him up approximately 50x a day, he will always be my baby.
  • Laying on my tummy – whether it is to look for something under a bed or just to do one of those face plants into my bed – sleeping on my belly (will be rare still with breastfeeding but even for just 5 minutes lol). I’m also looking forward to my baby cobra pose and other back strengthening poses – my upper, lower, middle – whole back is ready to not have the front so much to deal with – the boobs will be hard enough.
  • Milk drunk baby – I love the look of a freshly fed baby.  They are literally in a coma-like state that is so awesome.
  • Cuddles with three boys.  I’m sure nighttime will be filled with a bed full of boys.  Evan to my right, baby on my chest and Hector wayyyyy off on the other side of the bed.  I have been daydreaming about these moments. Babies are only itty bitty for a short time.
  • Pulling out the Moby.
  • Breathing – with ease.
  • Hardcore ab workouts – laying or standing wherever/however I want.
  • Not feeling sick when I eat, when I don’t eat, when I eat too little, when I eat too much.
  • No more contractions.  I’ve now been having contractions for approximately two weeks – I’m over them.
  • Being a mom to two boys and spending the holidays with them.  Sure we missed Halloween but that’s OK this Halloween was sorta grim.  I’m looking forward to Santa photo ops & impromptu photo shoots with my broken camera (yes, still haven’t bought a new one… It WILL happen though. It will.)

Today was a day filled with work, some admin house stuff, and time to myself.  Evan went to the museum with his Auntie Colie, and he just is such a big boy.  I’ve had a hard time processing that.  Yesterday Hector called and literally had a conversation with him.  He is just such a little boy, no longer my little baby.  He cuddled in my arms today and I just melted.  I’ll have to update this post with pictures (I downloaded Yosemite today and am updating iPhoto now) because my heart is just so filled because of him.  He is so sweet and loving.  He is funny and smart. He is demanding and kind. He is everything.  One thing I’m trying not to mourn is our time together just him and I because I think becoming a brother will complete our family.  He will gain a built in friend and learn valuable life lessons – they will, together.  I feel so blessed that Evan is my first, he has been an amazing experience so far.  He makes me feel so confident about having another.  He is just amazing.

I’m also looking forward to the next 12 weeks bonding with my family.  Building our relationships and cuddling and spending hours and hours together.  I just want to hug and love everyone right now.  The end of this pregnancy is near, and there will be a shift in our family adventure.  We are all as prepared as can be for it.  I cannot wait to share the love with everyone.  I haven’t felt this calm in a while.  I had a mini meltdown today when leaving my moms house – I was overwhelmed for some reason – so much going through my head.  Evan is now sleeping peacefully next to me, I am going to cuddle him close to me all night praying I can sleep as tomorrow is the day, I will walk into a hospital and we will walk out a family of 4.

I just keep telling myself we are ready, because we are.  I hear my heart will double – it will make room.  At this moment, not sure how that is possible but I will report back.  Thank you for following our journey – especially the rambling and emotional posts – the posts where I share a little too much. ;-)

 

Feelings & Truth

Happy 2nd day of November.  I went downstairs to brew my cup’o Joe only to realize we are out of coffee.  If I didn’t look outside and see frost on the ground I’d likely have thrown on a coat and run to Starbucks because I’ve been morning-dreaming of my cup of coffee since about 5 a.m. when I started rolling around in bed, hoping for a little more sleep.  I don’t even particularly like Starbucks Coffee, usually tastes burnt to me – but a latte sounds nice. So I threw some peanut butter onto a slice of bread (one of two BUTT slices left) and ate it.  Definitely not what I needed, but better than nothing.  I’m feeling blue because lately every time I eat something (even when I’m starving like just now) – I feel sick.

At this point, all I want to do is cry.  I’m so emotionally drained.  I’ve said it before, this has been a tough year.  Just when I think things are looking up something else just sidelines me.  I feel a massive amount of guilt about this because I do know in many ways I’m very lucky.  Lucky to have my health, lucky to have my fabulous friends and family, a healthy work enviornment etc.  But let me tell you, I’ve been down.  Probably never so down in my life.  This year has been tough, and each way I spin it, I want to see the silver lining but each time I catch a glimpse and pray to God, it is like something else very important gets stripped away.

I’m not going to spill all the gory details but our lives have absolutely been flipped upside-down this year.  I should write a book about it because sometimes I don’t know how I survived it.

I was discussing with a dear friend of mine who confided in me that she developed postpartum depression after she had her child.  Her story was heartbreaking because she so desperately wanted her baby, and prayed for that baby.  She had a great pregnancy followed by a traumatic birth experience that I can’t even imagine.  She has shown such power and grace through this, she is a amazing mother, who loves the little baby.  She makes it look easy but I know that she is struggling each day, even if it is getting better.  Why?  Because I’ve never been more depressed in my life than with this pregnancy.  Yet, I’ve hidden it better than I did with my pregnancy with Evan.  I know it has to be chemical and I know I should have talked to doctors about it, but I didn’t/don’t want medicine to fix it.  Or even to talk to anyone.  I just wanted to get through the 9 months knowing that I’d have a baby in my arms.  If this is anything like Evan postpartum, I know I’ll be ok.  Whatever happened to me after Evan, I was blissful.  I loved being a mom.  I had never felt so confident in my life.  But pregnancy, I’m not a good pregnant person and this experience has totally solidified that.

To make matters worse, things around my family have not been ideal lately.  Just when I thought something amazing was going to happen, that I’d have my husband so happy with me as we held our new baby and are able to have a few days together before he returns to work, my body has failed.  Again.  It failed with Evan, and it has failed again.  I’m STILL pregnant.  I’m still unbelievably uncomfortable, I have stretch marks and I’m absolutely feeling terrible about myself and everything around me.  The funny thing?  I’m hyper aware this is very selfish, and that I should be happy that I have a healthy family.  I understand that.  But here I am AGAIN, over due when everyone said he would come early EVEN MY DOCTORS.  My last appointment I was told I would have a baby in my arms before Halloween, he said just don’t “jinx” yourself and make another appointment since you are here.  So I did and now a day away from that appointment and no baby in sight.  My contractions have slowed, my excitement has fizzled and I’m mourning the fact that my best friend will likely not be around when I need him most.  I try to see the bright side, that I’m lucky to have a husband that I’m so fond of and who supports me the way I need him to, but he has to provide for our family – and well, timing in our lives has either always been beyond perfect (but stressful) or TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE.  This year, terrible is the word.